Dear Tropical System

If you mess up my flight to and from Waco I will punch you in the face.

Love and Smooches,
Amanda

Beautiful Rain

It is pouring this morning in eastern NC.

And it is lovely.

I'm drinking coffee, I've lit candles, the lights are low, and it's just me, my 3 year old, and my dog enjoying the ambiance this morning.

Life is wonderful.

Happy Birthday Dear Jill, Happy Birthday to YOU!

Hello Friend--today would have marked your 50th birthday on this earth.

I can see you running around Heaven saying, "Hi I'm Jill and I'm only in my 40s."

You are such a funny girl that way.

We miss you so much--and some days I would give anything to hear your voice or shoot you an email to tell you what's on my mind and heart.  You always had a great story to share or funny incident to laugh about.

Yesterday at church we sang one of your songs.  Rachel sang the high notes--she rocked it out.  You would have been so proud of her.  I will never be able to sing it again without getting a little teary.

I miss laughing and crying with you the most.

It hurts the most when I unexpectedly forget that you aren't around.  When reality crashes in.

However, I don't wish for one moment for you to come back and deal with that stupid terrible, terrible, terrible disease.  Not a bit.

I know you're well and fine--and that gives me great comfort.

XOXXO

Anxiety

I hate it.

It plagues me from time to time and I hate the way it messes my whole world up.

I am more prone to these tendencies when I'm getting ready to go on a trip--without my family.

I know to anticipate these things, but they always creep back in.

I hate these whispers of inadequacy, fear, and doubt.

I hate the way those voices make me feel--anxious, nervous, completely vulnerable, and prone to feelings of failure.

Fall Fever

I have it bad.

All week I've been looking forward to the weekend--specifically Sunday evening in which Marvin promises that there will be rain and temperatures well OUT of the 90s.

Honestly, this is practically October.  Let's be done with August temperatures!!!!


The humungous full moon this week only added to my need for fall.

It looked very Charlie Brown.  And, it was quite successful in turning my perfectly perfect students and children into other creatures this week.  Whew.  Thank goodness that it's on its way to less full.

Whew.

I have my hand on my head as I recall the events of the past week.

Whew.

I have found candy corn dishrags.

I have a fall wreath.

I have a fall door hanging decorative item.

I am inches away from pulling down the pumpkins, rugs, and jack-o-lanterns.

I have made trick or trash (super sweet candy treat).

I long for the chilly mornings and refreshing afternoons.

I long for the need for a jacket or long sleeved tee.

And, let's be clear, the biggest reason why I love fall is that it is the Christmas pre-season.

No doubt.

Straight from The Great Pumpkin to Merry Christmas.

Glory.

Thoughts on Thursday: Buster Edition

Molly has a family project due tomorrow.  This particular one was on pets.  

If you've been to our house, you've met our Buster Ray.

Yes, his middle name is Ray.  Molly decided that Buster needed a middle name.

Like Billy Ray Cyrus, Hannah Montana's daddy.  

Buster's name selection came from "My Friends Tigger and Pooh"--she wanted a white dog with spots like Darby.  

And, thus, we found Buster Ray, shih tzu.

Molly was three, Lily was 4 months old, and Amanda was on crack apparently.  

He's probably greeted you overexcitedly.  

This, in addition to his apparent need to occasionally mark his territory, has resulted in his man wrap.  

Your pant legs and shoes will thank me for it.  

He is a very sweet dog.  He's especially cute when he comes home from the groomer.  

And he loves to play with the girls outside.  He has never bit either of the girls, allows them to roll and tumble on top of him, and always wants to shower people with kisses.  

Molly is the only one who tolerates his kisses.  The rest of us are grossed out by them.  

He is aggravating, but I do love this little dog. 

These Little Pirates Stayed Home

A few weeks ago I had the girls all matchy matchy for church.  Our staff was coming over afterwards to watch the ECU opener with us immediately following the services.

I made the girls stand a take a few obligatory aww you're matching with your Pirate gear and ribbons and Crocs on! photos before we got in the car to head to church.  

This is how it went down:

Ok girls, smile!

Lily!  Turn around!  I'm trying to take your picture!

Oh my. 

I'm not sure what's going on here, but if it's a glimpse of what's to come. . . 

We're in BIG trouble. 

Then, we went to the car and realized that Chris had all the car seats in his car. 

His car was at church. 

Fail. 

Stirring, stirring

And I'm listening. 

Desperately.  

CLAWS OVER CLAUS!!!

A minor controversy erupted today via FB all in regards to the man in the red suit.

So, my trusted parental readers--do you or do you not invite the Big Man to your house each December 24th?

PS--If you act like an idiot or behave in an unkind manner, I will delete your comments faster than you can say "Merry Christmas!"

Hello Tuesday

Tuesdays in September are . . .

my chance to make the rest of the week run smoothly.

sitting on the couch before dawn with a cup of coffee and my wonderful stinky dog.

rumpled blonde hair broke eye baby who smells deliciously like sleep and small child and lavender baby shampoo who likes to snuggle before demanding a chocolate poptart and banana.

sunlight reflecting on the blue Mason jar in my kitchen window.

early morning coolness seeping through open windows and screen doors.

preparing my six year old for another day of school--hoping I've given her everything she needs for the day, and hoping she'll stand on her own two feet.

several loads of laundry freshly washed, dried, and promptly folded.

waiting for the laundry putterupper fairy to arrive.

the days I'm so incredibly thankful for a job that allows me to be home instead of fighting bus traffic, school bells, and the day in day out routine.

when I remember how blessed I am.

Little Friend

A tiny kitty is meowing outside of my window tonight.

A tiny little friend.

He's apparently lost his mommy.

He's so sad.

I bet he's hungry.

Or thirsty.

We have milk in the fridge.

His little eyes are reflecting pools of sadness.

My heart pitter patters with his little voice.

Buster could love him.

Molly would pee herself with excitement.

Maybe Chris isn't really allergic to kitties.

Faker.

Stay strong girl, stay strong.  

Sometimes When HE Moves

My world stops moving and I'm not sure how to function until I sort this mess out. 

I have been listening to Francis Chan's Crazy Love in the car to and from work this past week.  I had all intentions of reading this book before now, but life got in the way (rather, I let life get in the way).  I found myself listening to his words and my mind started spinning questions and scenarios and being so upside down.

I don't feel like his words are brand new--it's all things I know, but somehow along the way I forgot I knew.

It made me want to stop and breathe Him in. 

I feel Him moving in my bones.  

I'm not sure what He's saying, but I'm straining to hear.  

Thoughts on Thursday: These Things

When I think about the past week--the deaths of some very good people, a near miss with a strong hurricane, stresses and struggles at work, and the regular ins and outs of life--I'm reminded that life is so fleeting and short.  We don't know how long we have on this merry-go-round, and unfortunately it takes weeks like this past one to put us on our knees and reassess about what's REALLY important.

Therefore, this is the short list of importance:

1.  My faith.  I need my faith like I need breath.  I am not strong enough to do life on my own.  Despite the fact that I used to run around in Wonder Woman underoos, I'm not an action figure.  I need my faith to get me through this ridiculous crapola of a world we live in--to remind me to keep putting one foot in front of the other, that there are better things waiting, and these stresses are momentary.

I honestly don't know how people do it on their own without any hope for something better.  That is not religious mumbo jumbo--that is my honest query.

2.  My family.  They are too precious to me and I refuse to sacrifice my time with them.  Sometimes this doesn't jive too well with other folks because they don't understand my need to be with and there for them.  I will not get this time back--I will not get this morning back, I will not get yesterday back, I will not get a do-over.  When I look back I don't want to regret one thing because I decided to let trivial things get in the way.

Lily was staring at the thousands of dragon flies directly overhead. 

My Christacular.  My lerve.  My baby daddy. 

Sweet stupid Buster Ray

What a mess!

  She gets me. 

3.  The simple things we take for granted--the morning/evening glow of the world, laughter, delicious smells, conversations with loved ones and friends, blankies, the sound of little feet in the morning and crazy hair, hugs and kisses, and exhilaration.

This is why I do what I do. 

More to come. . . 

Dear Students. . .

I like you.

A lot.

More than you know.

Just not enough to go to jail or get fired or anything crazy like that.

You're a lot of fun.

You make me laugh.

The End.

I Will Do These Things. . .

because she couldn't.

More to come. 

Special Thanks

I would like to give a special thanks to "A Charlie Brown Christmas" soundtrack for the pick me up this morning.

Works every time.

Don't judge me because I have Woodstock portraying Baby Jesus.  

Some people eat chocolate.

Some people watch chick flicks.

I listen to Charlie Brown.

Gone

She's really, really gone.  


Gone. 


Empty left aisle at church. 


Unreturned emails. 


Unreturned texts. 

She was just here and now she's gone. 

I wanted to be strong for her today--so strong.  


I refused to let her down.  


I needed the very music that my heart was so afraid to sing.  My soul needed a place to put the pain and relief.  I needed something tangible.  I needed that release. 


I made it all the way to the end of the last song and put my mic down and looked at my singing mates to see the tears streaming down their faces.  


And I lost it.  


I covered my mouth with my hands to keep the sobbing down while Tim prayed.  I shook and trembled and did my best to get it together.  


And then it was over.  


And life kept moving.  


Sort of.  

Everything will change, things will never be the same, we will never be the same.

  

Separation

I will never sing these songs again without thinking of you.  

I miss you.  

So much. 

Jill Featured on "The Story"

Jill was featured today on The Story.  You can hear clips from her past interviews.

It's so nice to hear her. :)

You can listen to it here (about 20 minutes from the end):

http://thestory.org/archive/the_story_1116_Sara_Isaacson.mp3

Thoughts On Thursday: Incomplete

1.  I'm glad it's cloudy today.  I feel moody.  I ordinarily have moments of okness and then surprise sneak attack fits of sadness.

2.  Tomorrow is Jill's memorial service.  3pm at Christ's Church.  She put a lot of thought into her service and how she wanted it to be.  To the T.  She is so selfless that way.  I cry more thinking about that then anything else.

3.  I made it all day yesterday until almost dinner time without crying.  I'm using Jill's rule that if the tears don't leave your eyeballs then it's not really crying.  It doesn't count.

4.  Please don't wear black to Jill's service tomorrow.  She wouldn't want us to look so somber.

5.  I'm more than ready for fall.  Right this minute.

6.  I'm taking my frustrations out on my wallpaper in my kitchen.  We have 14 people coming over to our house on Sunday and I don't even care if half my kitchen is partially covered in 1990s wallpaper.

Sometimes I want to paint it yellow.

I don't even like yellow.

7.  I really almost snapped on someone within the past 24 hours.  I bit my tongue instead.

8.  Lily cannot say the word "news"--it comes out like "moos."  Bad moos.

9.  I told Molly about Jill last night.  I didn't want to tell her before school yesterday morning and start her day off on the wrong foot.

She cried.

Hard.

She said, "But Mrs. Jill won't see me until I'm a grown up." (in Heaven)

That's when number 3 occurred.

We were ok when we imagined Jill shaking her booty in heaven with the angels.  That still brings giggles.  Molly demonstrated some sort of 70s disco move action--semi hustle and Saturday Night Fever.  She believed that to be Jill's signature move for whatever reason.

I'm sure Jill was laughing, too. 

When I Am Quiet

It's because I really don't know what to say.  Usually I have no problems banging out a blog and letting the world know exactly how I'm feeling.  It's a gift and a curse. 

Today, I'm quiet and reflective.  I think about Jill and what she meant to me and I'm not even sure that I could convey what she taught me about life in mere words.  

It was more than just a friendship--she was my lifeline. 

When I wasn't sure what to do about the job at MACU--she was there. 

When I wrestled with my darkest insecurities--she was there. 

When I needed a good laugh--she was there. 

When I needed a hug--she was ALWAYS there.  

When I cried--she cried with me. 

She liked being lovely.  She loved a good compliment.  And they were always deserved. 

She was one sassy girl who loved to laugh. 

Tuesday dinners with Maria, Rachel, and Jill.

Taking her to the movies with my girls--and having Lily ride in her lap on the way out. 

Hugs every Sunday at church--and catch up time. 

Pajama parties in the psych ward (this did NOT happen for the record). 

She loved people.  She had the unique ability to make everyone feel like they were the most important person in the room. 

When I think about yesterday--I will never forget the last time I saw her. 

She was listening to worship music while surrounded by her family.  

Honestly, what else is there?  

Jesus and our loved ones.  

Everything else is just stuff.  

Jill got it right.  

She loved Jesus and she loved us.