I Survived. . .

I think things went well yesterday.  It was an extremely exhausting day mentally and physically, but I think over all things went well.  I was pleased with my lectures and lessons, and I enjoyed getting to know of the faculty.  

No other news . . .

I'm still pretty tired today.  I have some things to catch up on with my ECU homework.

It's Go Time!

It's 10:31pm Monday night. 

Tomorrow is the big day. 

Please pray...

10,000 Angels

...must be standing guard right now.  I cannot even begin to describe the calmness I have in my heart.  I feel so strong--not in a proud way, but in a peaceful, everything's gonna be alright way.  

If you haven't already heard, I will be guest teaching on Tuesday at a college.  I've prepared a 40 minute lecture (and when I practiced it I spoke for 38 minutes--and I have a 2 minute video clip to share), a lesson on children's music, and doing a couple of other things.  Last week at this time I began to crack.  I felt like the world was crashing down all around me and I had no idea how I was going to get anything done.  

I remember at church last week sobbing my eyeballs out during the last song because my heart was so heavy.  I am so blessed to have so many amazing people who have offered incredible encouragement this past week.  I had a good friend pull me aside during church and just prayed and hugged me until I got all of my tears out (at least for that hour!)  I had another friend who I respect tremendously reassure me that things will be fine.  I have received some fantastic emails from a friend who helped me put things into perspective.  I read people's blogs this week and certain verses they included were exactly the same ones I have been studying.  My Lord even spoke through my children at school this week--they would say things that my soul needed to hear, and they didn't even know they were doing it.  I had countless deadlines that were met with ease this week, in addition to the increased workload for my preparation for next Tuesday.  Even my favorite hairdresser agreed to see me on Monday evening so I can look my best for Tuesday (vanity, vanity...oh, Jill, what am I going to do with myself??)  

I'm telling you, every single thing that could have been a major concern was taken care of this week.  

God has listened to the prayers of His saints--and I have tremendous clarity and peace.  

God is so good.   

Thank you all--and if you don't mind continuing the prayers, I would greatly appreciate it.  

I. . .Will. . .Not. . .Panic. . .

I have had one of the craziest weeks I've had in a long time, but I have had such an incredible peace.  Every day this week I have been reaffirmed through the words of a friend, situation, or something that I've read that I'm doing the right thing.  Thank you, Lord for peace and clarity--exactly what my prayer has been all week!  

Even last night when I found out I have a paper due next Wednesday (immediately following all the crazy activities on Monday and Tuesday), I did not panic.  I simply asked my professor for an extension--and he agreed!  YES!

I thought my theory homework was going to take longer--but I had some time to work on it and I'm hoping to be done well before the deadline this evening. 

I've had some classes out/cancel this week at regular school--giving me time to work on pressing matters of precariousness.  

I've completed tasks that I knew would take me hours in less than one--and I didn't feel rushed, just an incredible focus. 

I cannot tell you what a change of pace this has been for me this week!  I'm usually FREAKING out about details and wanting to get things just so, but instead I just simply resigned myself to the fact that if God is truly at the center of this situation (and He hasn't led me to believe that He isn't), His divine timing will somehow work everything out--even when I feel like my time is so limited.  

So far, He has kept up His end of the bargain.  

It's like He's saying, "Don't worry--I got this!"  

Ok, ok, ok....

So, here was the thought in my head this afternoon.  I don't know what to call these thoughts sometimes--I usually refer to them as my "God thoughts" because it's either Him or my conscious. . .or both?!?  Anyhow, plain as day it was, "I'm only asking for 3 hours of your afternoon."  

My precariousness is going to involve a time commitment.  I have been clinging to the idea that it may take away from my time in the evening with my children 2-3 evenings a week.  God has reminded me that other people were called to places like Africa and others are giving their lives.  He's only asked me for 3 hours.  

Shame on me.  

Thank you, Lord.

For loving me despite my constant worry and frazzledness. 

For my family and friends who are incredible. 

For patience when I am so stupid, selfish, and vain. 

It is my desire to go wherever You send me, even if it's right back to square one. 

Here I am--taking a big breath, and waiting for direction.  Baby steps or big leaps, it's whatever you want.  

I want to be where You are.  

I know You.  

I trust You.  

Doubt or Warfare?

How do you discern the difference between plain old doubt and spiritual warfare?  

Is doubt a spiritual warfare tactic?  

If so, it's working well with me.  

I am searching for peace and clarity.  

I want so much to do the right thing that is God's will for my life.  

I want to hear His voice and go where He leads me.

"STRENGTH will RISE as we WAIT upon the LORD."

TGIF!

Things are a little better.  I took a day off of work to clear my head and try to make sense of everything that was swirling around.  I admit that some of my stresses may be self-inflicted by my high sense of pride.  I like to think that I've got a handle on things--but when they all come crashing down at once it's a good reminder that I am not in control. 

I continue to press onward in my precariousness.  It's taking a lot of additional time and energy to keep it under control, but so far it seems worth it.  

I appreciate the encouragement--especially Lindsey, Jill, and Ivy.  You have no idea how much it means to me to know you are hanging in there with me!  Thanks!  

Happy Valentines Day!

I just don't know what to do with myself.....

My situation has filled me with uncertainty.  I don't know what I'm supposed to do.  I waver between clarity and fogginess, and I'm not sure what to think.  

I'm so confused and it's keeping me up at night.  Instead of blissful sleep I lie in bed and think about everything that is pressing me and it makes me feel like I can't breathe.  

I just don't know what to do with myself.  

Day 40!

Day 40 has come--and I'm actually not ready to quit my commitment....I wonder if this is something I can continue for a little while longer.  I'm sure all 3 of you that read this won't mind if I keep it myself for a few more days....

OH MY I am more and more excited about my precariousness--perhaps it's no longer precarious, but amazing.  Again, faithful readers, if you will just hang on, I promise this is a story you will not want to miss!  Those who are aware of my situation will probably agree--and let me tell you, it just gets better and better.  God is faithful and awesome in His timing.  He certainly loves His little child with spiked hair!

Must get back to homework--

Theory..

is for morons.  Or maybe brilliant people.  I've come to believe there is not that much difference between the two.

GRR!!!!!!!!  I hate feeling stupid!  I honestly am such a visual learner when it comes to things like this--reading 30 pages of notes (full of highlights and doing all of the practice problems) is not helping me one bit. 

I emailed my advisor for some advice.  I'm hoping that this class is perhaps taught face-to-face over summer vacation and I can postpone this agony somehow. 

We'll see...

Step 3...

The precariousness continues....but in a good way.  More about that later.

Day 37--Things are great! :)

Life is crazy hectic at our house right now between work and school and family, but I'm ok. 

Flames!

This weekend Chris, Molly, and I went to one of my former students' Quince Anos celebration.  It was lovely to see and we had such a good time with the family. 

After the church service there was a reception at the Shrine Club in Winterville.  I was so excited when we walked in and saw authentic mexican appetizers of chips, salsa, and beans on the table.  I just KNEW we were going to have a yummy yummy dinner.  As we were waiting, one of the hispanic teenagers at our table ate a bite of the salsa and she immediately flushed and said, "Wow, that's hot!  I'm used to hot stuff--but that's warm!"  Chris took some bites and agreed it was spicy.  After another 30 minutes or so while we were waiting for our food I decided to try a bit of the salsa.  I had not idea that as I was biting into the salsa, they began the prayer for the food. 

I didn't care that the prayer was in spanish--all I knew is that flames began crawling across my tongue and mouth and there was NOTHING I could do about it until they completed the prayer.  Our family was one of 3 non-hispanic families who were invited to the event and we were trying to mind our p's and q's and not accidently offend anyone with our ignorance.  I knew I couldn't gasp and cough and sputter and gulp water down while they were giving the blessing.  It seemed like an eternity and I had no idea if the person asking the blessing was winding it up with catch phrases like, "And as we prepare to eat blah blah bless the hands that prepared this meal blah blah" because I have never had one spanish class in my life.  I know words from Sesame Street and Dora, but that's all.  I was dying--my eyes were watering and my face was soooo hot.  After an eternity, everyone finally said, "Amen!" and I immediately began the cough and sputter.  My whole table was laughing at me (including the minister) but I really didn't care because I finally got relief! 

And, we didn't have any mexican food after all.  Just some dry chicken and flavorless potatoes--old white people food.  Sigh.