The same old thing until it's not.

A few months ago I agreed to be a member of the Stretched Too Thin launch team and had a book to share with another working mom.  I put up a photo on my social media and almost 30 moms commented that they were interested in reading it as well--moms who are KILLING it every single day, and still feel like they are stretched too thin.

Earlier this week I was talking to a friend about how she doesn't feel enough at work.

Another friend feels defeated in her relationships. 

Many are dealing with shame and anxiety and worry.

And I feel myself constantly dealing with the same old things--the unsettled feelings in my heart.  The feelings that I'm not coming close to getting it all done.  The recurring feelings of wanting to cry and hide and make it all stop--and the pressing need to make it all better.  The need to please and make everyone happy and be ok with me.

Look, if there ever was an Enneagram Type 6 or an ISFJ--I'm the poster child of these personality types.  I live in a world of the chronic need to fix it all, make everyone better, save the world, be awesome, and simultaneously find world peace.  And while I'm doing all of that, I'm a mess of nerves and anxiety and self-defeat.

I will not let you down--but I will sacrifice myself to please you. 
It's unhealthy, and most of the time, I just want someone to come along and save me, too. 
Or maybe just give me some fries and tell me it's going to be fine. 

I wrote in a previous post how I've been asking for God's kindness in my life.  That prayer hasn't quit.  My summer health issues were big and loud and scary and shook me down to my bones.  I spent many moments in the hospital and afterwards at home thinking to myself--am I dying?  Do I have a scary disease?  What if I don't come through this chapter of my life for the better? 

I've seen enough sad and scary things happen in my life--to my family, to my friends, to people I know.  No one is allowed to escape the roller coaster of life.  Sometimes you get to ride the gentle gondolas over the landscape, and other times you're strapped in from head to toe and screaming for it to be over so you can get off the ride.  I've been hovering in the "let me off!" stage.

Bloodwork and appointments and MRIs.  An opportunity.  Big projects.  Completing my first marathon.  All three girls in school this year (high school, middle school, and kindergarten).  Christmas and concerts and events.  A full calendar.  My fall has been big and loud and fun and hard and really, really busy.

Your girl is tired. 

My tender heart has been stirring the past few months.  Change.  Quiet hope was creeping out of the my heart, rising like the first seedlings in spring.  I could feel it in my bones.  I stood in church during the worship and cried and whispered, "Will you do it again?  Will you rescue me?  Will you show me Your kindness?" 

I'm still waiting.

It's been hard to trust that He is going to be faithful and kind to me, because I want Him to be faithful and kind in the ways that I want Him to be faithful.  He is teaching me that His kindness is in every moment, I just have to look for it with different eyes.  And I'm being reminded that my ideas may not be His plans.  I believe He will answer my bigger questions, I'm just not sure how. 

I am holding on to the promise that He is good.  He is faithful.  He is kind.  I am a firm believer that life is not an accident and all things are being held together by the God I love and serve.  But, I also believe that even those of us who strive to live a life of Faith will walk through seasons that are hard.  We will crawl through scary and frustrating things.  We are handed situations we don't understand, nor want, and we are given outcomes that do not make sense (at least not at the time). 

Where do we go from here?  I'm not sure, friend.  I strive to make this space an honest reflection of my life and heart.  I am not defeated, but I'm dealing with life--as I'm positive many of you are as well.  No one has it all together, not one. At some point we're all stretched too thin, pulled in many different directions, and struggling to make sense of the life we've been given.  It's heavy and hard and not fun to admit out loud that we're just sort of making our way through--especially for us over-achievers and world savers.

And we're all in pretty good company.  
Be kind to yourself. 
Be kind to each other. 

And hold on tight, adjust your vision, because I'm still believing change will come.    

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