Hope and joy have left the building.

I didn't realize how bad it was getting. 

That's the way it starts--a thought here and a reaction there.

You don't even realize the darkness has once again made its home next to you all cozy on the couch like a bad relationship.

Shake your head, clear your brain, suit up for the next thing, wear a smile, keep going, and be brave.

Just don't talk about it. 

Get busy, work out, positive thoughts, responsibilities, distractions distractions distractions.

I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.

I'm not fine. 

At some point it moves beyond my thoughts and starts making its physical symptoms known.

Sensations, pains, aches.

Fatigue, soreness, grumpy.

Is this normal?

What does Google say? (never a good idea)

And when it finally circles back to the thoughts, they are sinister.

Fear, sadness, anger, loneliness.

Go ahead and kick me while I'm down. 

It crawls over your whole body like a weighted blanket.

Keep moving, be responsible, do all the things because they're counting on you to show up, and you're not a quitter and you can't let anyone down.

Failure is not an option.

The body aches and shadows come and come and come until its like you're on the outside in the cold night looking in at your life and you're no longer allowed to participate.

Ebb and flow have turned themselves into an expanse of gray and somehow the waves keep pounding.

There are no tears no matter how much you need them.

Stop dreaming.  Start mourning.  Stop wishing.  This is the new normal. 

Hope and joy have left the building. 

*****

Recognize the feelings from 16 years ago and remember how bad that was for everyone. 
It's time to bring it into the light. 

Call the doctor.  Fill the prescription.  Again. 

I can't fix this.

It feels like failure. 

It feels like relief. 

If this feels like your life, please find someone to help you.  Call your doctor.  Call a friend.  Call a counselor.  Call your minister.  It's ok to be afraid.  It's ok to be embarrassed.  

It's not ok to stay this way.