48.6 is the New 40: Health Anxiety & Expo

Yetta's face matched the fear I felt before the start of this race event.

On the morning of our departure for our big trip, I woke up with a serious case of anxiety and experienced a full-blown panic attack.  I was crying, nervous, sweaty, and convinced that we had made a terrible decision in participating in this race event.  Normally I'm so excited about flying to Disney, but I was shaking in fear and dread.  I had weird aches and pains during the weeks of my taper before the race, and was pretty sure that I had every serious disease known to man and that I was going to literally kill myself if I ran the race. 

I'm a mom of 3.  This is stupid.  

Why did I agree to do this?  

What if this is the last thing I ever do? 

I got out of the shower and cried to Chris who let me say all of the things that were plaguing my mind.  He's been married to me long enough to know I just need to get it out of my system and that usually I'm just fine and do not need to actually visit the hospital.  I've been battling health anxiety as a product of postpartum depression since Molly was an infant.  I automatically assume that regular aches and pains are actually symptoms of more serious conditions.  I have managed these symptoms with prayer, medication, and exercise, but it's something I carry with me all of the time.  Some seasons of my life are easier than others, but when I enter into seasons of stress I find it rears its ugly little head and the weight is sometimes overwhelming.  One of my worst fears is that I will never get to see my girls grow up, and my mind has a way of reminding me that I'm merely mortal.  I usually run to get a lot of this out of my head, but tapering before a big race means cutting back on weekly mileage which equals the crazy tends to rise.  

I finally got myself together and got off to work.  I dropped off the girls at their schools and then made my way to work.  As I was stepping out of my car, I felt it:  a painful twinge in my lower back.  

Oh no.  

Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no. 

If you know me personally, you know my lower back has issues that tend to put me out of commission for a few days.  It will flare out of nowhere and it's extremely painful--to the point that I'm unable to stand or walk without a visit to the chiropractor, lots of Motrin, and ice packs.  I straightened up slowly and found that it was not so bad, but I knew any quick turns or bends and I was going to be out of the race. This was the last thing I needed on the morning of departure.  

I spent the morning putting some fires out at work and then left at lunch so we could drive to RDU.  We got out for a bathroom break at the local mall and I found my whole back was tight.  I was nervous it was going to get worse, but tried not to worry about it.  We boarded our plane and were told that it was only a half-full flight.  We were flying Southwest, so we were excited to have a little extra room to spread out.  However, not everyone liked that idea and I found myself wedged between my husband and a gentleman who had very little concept of personal space as he promptly fell asleep with open mouth breathing and snores for the duration of the flight.  

We arrived in Orlando and I could still feel the pressure in my back adding to all of the other issues that seemed to have arisen, and it was like I had a little black cloud following me on the trip.  I was seriously dreading the task in front of me and my nerves were getting the best of me.  I felt close to tears on a numerous occasions and had a hard time keeping it together.  We took the shuttle to our resort and went to bed because we were trying to wake up early enough to get a boarding group for the new Star Wars ride in Hollywood Studios, Rise of the Resistance (side note:  100% worth the wait and effort to get on this ride if you are remotely interested). 

We checked into Hollywood Studios and then went to the runDisney Expo while waiting for our boarding group to be called.  This expo is where you pick up your bibs and race swag, as well as have an opportunity to see a variety of vendors and sponsors.  I also saw Jeff Galloway, the man who created the interval method I follow for running. It's a huge room full of people and a really expensive place to find race gear, but I wanted to get a pair of recovery shoes at the Oofos booth.  We picked up a pair and made our way back to the resort to drop off our materials and then spent the rest of the day in Hollywood Studios.  We also had a chance to catch up with one of my hometown friends who is a cast member.    

I still had some back issues and was feeling really low about the whole event, and I mentioned to my husband that I wish I had a heating pad for my back.  He remembered that I had packed some hot hands and suggested putting them in the back of my pants to see if they would help--and they did! I spent the whole day with them tucked in and the heat really helped work some of the tightness out.  We spent the entire day on our feet and it helped when bedtime rolled around.  

Before we hit the sheets, I laid out all of my racing attire for the next morning.  It was going to be cooler temperatures, and I knew that 3:00am was going to come quickly and I didn't want to have to think about anything before we caught the bus at 3:30am to the race.  While the race itself didn't start until 5:30am, we had to arrive by 4am to allow time to go through bag check and meet my uncle who was also running the series.  

I tossed and turned all night long and woke up several times for fear that I would oversleep and be out of the challenge.  I felt like I had reached an all new low in my dread for the race.  I knew it was just a 5K and that I run more than that during my morning runs, but I was so afraid my body was going to give out of me.  I had chest pains, low back issues, and a pesky knee that wanted to join the party.  I received a few texts of encouragement from friends, and I prayed a lot as I prepared myself to leave the room.  

I had decided that I wanted to pick out someone for each race and I was going to write their names on my hand each morning--so when I wanted to quit, I would have someone in mind to keep me going.  I already knew who I wanted to write for the 5K.

to be continued...