Sunday, November 13, 2016

This is what you were created for, baby girl.

My daughter dances.  

She twirls and moves and externalizes the music she hears.  She is small and compact, delicate and quiet.  She is ok with being herself and doesn't need constant validation.  She is sweetness embodied.

Sweet little Lily.
Lauren Thorn Photography
I admire people who are comfortable in their own skin.  I love when people make no apologies for who they are and what they are about.  I'm always amazed how they can simply be themselves without worry for others' opinions.  They are content in their spaces and in their occupations.  They flourish in being who they were created to be.

I always wonder what their secret is.  
How do they know who they are, and how are they able to be content?

Stepping away from parts of social media has been good for me.  I'm the kind of person who is not always comfortable in her own skin.  I constantly feel the need to manage others' opinions of and relationships with me, and I only want the spotlight on me if it is showing me in my best light.  I want you to like me, I want you to agree with me, and I want to show you that I am someone who can be trusted to do the right thing in the right way.  A thumbs up on social media sites is always a cheap thrill.

However, even though I really want you to like me and will turn cartwheels to please you, I strive to be authentic and I'm not going to be someone that I'm not to make you happy, and so when I don't measure up to standards I feel immense shame because if I've failed, then I'm not good enough.  I also don't like feeling like I have to work to make you happy with me--I just want you to like me because I'm me, dang it! 

And I want others to be authentic as well--even in their messy selves.  I have low tolerance for those who change and turn themselves inside out to be what they perceive to be the acceptable and popular version of themselves in different situations.  I am frustrated when I feel like I can't get to the core of a person because I'm not sure who they are because they keep changing themselves in different social places like a chameleon.  I don't want to be around people who wear different masks or talk out of both sides of their mouths.  I used to think that this behavior was reserved for teenagers trying to find themselves, but I've seen it carry over into adulthood as well.  

I've enjoyed using the mental energy I would have devoted to parts of social media to discover the parts of me that I like because I like them and I don't need anyone else to validate my preferences.  There is a strong part of me which wonders what I am supposed to do with myself and my life.  Am I doing what I'm intended and created to do?  There have been whispers in my spirit reminding me of who I am and Who I belong to.

And I am reminding myself that I was not created for your pleasure nor your approval.    

*****
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