It had nothing to do with me, it had nothing to do with what I do, and I wouldn't even be able to do what she had been praised for--but a small part of me felt threatened and I found myself hopping on the Destructive Ride of Internal Conversation. Maybe you've hopped on that train before, too. It sounds a lot like this:
Why aren't I receiving compliments?
Why doesn't the world see me at my best?
What can I do for the folks to see me, too?
Do I even have what it takes?
I'm overwhelmed and I don't feel like I'm keeping up with everyone else.
What if they all saw me for who I really am--maybe I don't want them to see me after all.
I'm just not enough.
I found myself quickly moving from wistful thinking to doubting my abilities which led to me doubting my significance as a person.
I've heard it said recently, and I'm starting to speak it aloud to myself and to the little people I come into contact with on a regular basis:
There are buckets of love in this world and we don't have to be worried about the supply because someone has received a little more than usual.
I fight this need to for significance on a daily basis. While I know I am precious and wonderfully made, and while I know that I must decrease so He may increase--I fight the fact that I am, indeed, very small. I often allow your acknowledgements of me to determine my worth. I allow your words, directed at me and others, to become a distorted version of my truth.
And it makes me feel so small in the very worst ways.
But what if we learned to embrace this smallness and recognize that it leads us to discover our significance after all? What if we used these moments and weaknesses (perceived and actual), and examined the root of the matter? What if we could take hold of these thoughts and change their direction? What if we allowed ourselves to be ourselves?
Small doesn't always equal bad.
And sometimes smallness can restore.
Will you join me in October?