I felt it this past weekend.
That slow, icky, can't quite put my finger on it, not feeling too well but I'm still kicking so let's keep going--feeling.
I was suddenly cold and achy, and slightly nauseous. I was exhausted but had a million things I wanted and needed to do. The last thing I had time for was time to sit down on the couch under a blanket, but that's exactly what my husband told me to do.
And I stayed there for most of the afternoon.
I do not do well with rest. Unoccupied time makes me nervous and sweaty--like I'm missing out on an opportunity to be productive. I live and breathe in a self-made world of efficiency. I like things to be scheduled and routine. I like it when I have tackled my to-do list. I like feeling like I've knocked it out of the park again.
And I'll beat it into smithereens.
Unfortunately, I'm not good when the challenges are bigger than one person. Too many years of group assignments and activities taught me that a team is often as strong as its weakest member--and being a good kid in school meant I was always teamed up with the laziest and most mischievous children in the class. I learned quickly that I didn't want my reputation tarnished by their apathy towards school and life, therefore, I handled it all.
I like to handle most everything. I hate asking for help. I hate admitting that I'm not good enough to handle it all on my own. It's embarrassing when I'm not able to take care of things. I'm humiliated by the state of affairs in my home because if you opened our closets and cabinets you would see how I've failed my family. If I'm running late my face flames bright red because I mismanaged my time somehow and I've let you believe that I wasn't dependable that one time. I check things two, three, or five times to make sure that I've completed them, turned them off, and that I read the information correctly.
Don't worry, I beat myself up internally more than your punishments or disappointments ever will.
I read this post earlier last week by the delightful FPFG, and I nodded my head in such agreement. I've been that person recently. I have felt beat down by the madness of the holidays and the new and improved January, my husband being injured in December by those mean ol' porch steps, work, exercise and extracurriculars, life responsibilities, a tween and a toddler and their sister, and you may have not heard, but we're moving to a new house (because our sweet little camp is expanding her territory). I have carried a lot of mental responsibilities and have worked myself into a frenzy trying to maximize a lot of stuff in one human body. I'm tired and spent and I don't have enough time to do anything well, so I feel like I'm skating by most days by the skin of my teeth. Only to brush my teeth, go to bed, and do it all again the next day.
It's become a vicious cycle.
And one that has become very dangerous to my well-being.
At the gym this week, my trainer asked me what I was going after. Sometimes he likes to get in my head when I'm working out and when your poor chicken arms are dying under the pressure of heavy weights, you can only answer honestly. I told him that I just wanted to be done with the move because it's currently the biggest source of my exhaustion, but inside I was actually screaming I'm tired and I JUST WANT TO BE IN CONTROL OF MY TIME!
But, you never, ever tell your trainer you're tired because then they beat the tired out of you.
My husband gave me the incredible gift of rest this past weekend. He took care of the kids, he told me to step away from the laundry basket, he made dinner, and he told me to lay down on the couch. I didn't do one productive thing with my time and I felt I had wasted the entire day. I went to bed at a decent hour and woke up feeling much better about the state of affairs the next morning.
I know the Lord commands us to rest, but I often find myself refusing to make time for it. I work hard to make everything around me right, and I often sacrifice my well-being and personal rest for those around me. And, I see a lot of other people around me doing the same thing. It's almost like life has gotten away from all of us and we are stuck in panic mode.
I can't continue to live this way. I can't continue to feel like I'm running late, running towards the completion of next thing, and/or dreaming about running away from it all.
|O-yetta has got it figured out.|
To be continued. . .