Saturday, July 11, 2015

Full throttle.

Living life at perpetual full throttle is absolute murder on the introverted and/or highly sensitive person's well-being. 

I've spent a lot of time in the past few weeks reading about the effects of "busy" on people like me.  Being still is not an easy thing for someone like me.  I am wired to go-go-go, be efficient, be all the things, do all the things, do all the things now, make everyone happy, don't let anyone down, hurry up and don't be late, and please, for the love, let me do it all well with a smile on my face.  I live my life in a self-imposed constant state of pressure.  It's not healthy by any means, but it's my go-to in all situations.  

Until I get tired. 

Or completely depleted. 

And then it gets nasty. 

Because the opposite of being on top of things is letting everything become undone. 

And the opposite of being awesome is feeling worthless. 


When I finally have moments to stop and pause, it's as if I don't know what to do with the available and unaccounted for time--so my brain finds ways to fill the space (because we work in a state of efficiency around here).  It usually fills the space with words of doubt and discouragement.  I assess and obsess on all the moments past and present that I did not perform up to expectations.  I cringe over my least impressive conversations, sins, and disappointments.  

I do my best to sink into promises of Grace and words of encouragement, and plead with the Lord to guard my heart and mind in these moments.  I have to physically and mentally make myself slow down and find ways to be present in the good that is all around me, rather than wallowing in self-pity and despair. 

I commented to a friend yesterday that I have been so busy these past few weeks with unexpected obligations and travel that I had reached my absolute limit and my fun-meter was pegged.  These past few weeks have been filled to the max and I don't feel like I've had time to really stop and rest on my coveted summer vacation.  I am looking forward to life slowing considerably this week--and yet I'm finding myself mentally filling the space with to-do lists and house projects and trying to be a good friend to others.  I'm recognizing that I'm not good at stopping, and it's slowly killing my internal well-being.  

I'm growing weary of the pace of life (and all that it requires), and it's time to be still.   

    to be continued. . . 

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