Wednesday, April 8, 2015

But do You see me?

My girls twirl and cartwheel in the yard.  They ride their bikes up and down the driveway and they color elaborate pictures on the walkway.  They laugh and spin and do all the things that little girls do when given an expanse of space.  But the words I hear the most are,

"Mama, watch this!" 

Because even though they are small big girls, they still need my eyes and applause.  They still need to know that I'm watching them and that I'm proud of them.


Now let's be clear: I am not raising my girls to be Participation Ribbon junkies, but they still like a pat on the back.  And don't we all? They want to know that they have pleased their parents.  They want to know that we are proud of them for their hard work and a job well done.

Yesterday I wrote about the big questions we have, and how many times it seems like we don't get the answers we want.  I wrote about contentment and how we often aren't satisfied with trusting that He's got the whole world, and us, in His hands.  Sometimes we want to know what our specific plans actually are going to be.

I know I do.    

This video has been circulating the Internets the past few days:  


It features one of my favorite designers on HGTV, Joanna Gaines.  Chris and I are both fans of the show "Fixer Upper" for several reasons--we love watching them turn an ugly home into something beautiful.  I personally love Joanna's style and I usually find myself mentally screaming "Mama A, it's time to get out the white paint and go to town in that kitchen!" after each episode.  But we especially love the candid moments between Joanna and Chip--they are too cute for words and a husband and wife dedicated to each other, their family, their business, and to the Lord.  

I watched this video initially because I think Joanna's great--but as she was speaking, her words sank into my soul a little.  I marveled at the way she speaks of knowing she was going to be given a platform--and giggling that if her television show is her platform, then my little blog here is more like a soapbox cigar box to stand on.  

Mama A: Fixing the world's problems and standing on couches for 30+ years.
I think her words resonate with all of us--we've all caught ourselves listening to the lies that we weren't good enough, and that we didn't matter.  Sometimes we don't even realize they're lies until they have become deeply seeded in our hearts.  I wrote yesterday how a lot of us sing each week about our Savior has saved the world, but our little human hearts and heads still want to know that He intended to include us as well--that we weren't an oversight, that He does know our names, and that He loves us as much as He loves the big important people.  

Some of my deepest prayers have been searching for God's plan for my life.  I want to know that what I'm doing is right--and more than a "Hey, God!  Watch this!"--but "Can You still make this simple life of mine into something beautiful?  Can You use this place I'm at, and all the steps I took to get here (because I know that sometimes I've made a mess of things)--but, can You really take what I've done and can You still use it for good?" 

These are some of the hardest prayers for me.  I don't like a loss of control--because asking God to open up the doors means that I've got to actually step up and out and do what it is that's being asked of me.  And the scariest part of the unknown--is the unknown.  What if it's something that's incredibly hard?  What if it's something that requires me to lose everything that I know and love?  What if it's a huge responsibility?  What if it's something that takes me out of my comfort zone?  What if it's something incredible?  What if I let You down? 

Because when I pray these prayers, I'm not asking for a big stage nor platform, and I'm not asking for my name to be well-known.  

I'm just asking that whatever it is, that I am doing what He's got planned for me.  
And I want to know that when we meet face-to-face, that He will say that my life was a job well done.  

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