We don't get along.
|Exhibit A: The Walmart Face.|
But instead of writing a good ol' list of the many things I despise about that particular establishment, I decided it was time to go old school. Anybody remember this delightful book series?
There are many other books by the author and they all crack me up. And ol' Mama A's wheels started turning and she decided that she might try to create her own "If . . . then" situation inspired by that sweet little story. And it goes a little something like this:
If you make Mama A go to Walmart, she's going to feel like stabbing someone.
And when she feels like stabbing someone, she always remembers that orange is not her favorite color.
And while she's considering that orange is not her color, she will also remember that jumpsuits are never figure flattering.
Once she gets over the fact that she actually has to go to Walmart, she'll get in her mommy mobile and will drive through her town.
While she's driving she will rock it OUT at the top of her lungs, but she will quickly pull it together at the intersections to avoid funny looks from neighboring vehicles.
Then she will pull into the Walmart parking lot and decide which location would be best for parking. When she finds a good spot, some old lady will immediately begin backing her enormous car out of her spot directly in front of Mama A and block traffic while she gets her boat in motion.
And while the old lady is holding up Mama A's parking, another little car will scoot in and steal Mama A's spot.
Rage will ensue.
Mama A will continue to circle the lot until she decides that parking near the garden center is usually the safest bet (she learned that trick from Bobbie H.)
When she goes inside the store she will need to find a shopping cart.
And when she finds a shopping cart, she will find the one with the most wonky wheels. And when the wheels spin and shake the entire cart, Mama A will count to 10 and remember how much she hates going to this store.
Mama A will have to avoid the crowd of folks who are standing in the middle of the aisles looking at the end caps. She will also have to slide her wonky cart around the folks who are going down the center aisles in the wrong direction (it's like driving a car folks, stay on the right!)
While she's trying to avoid the folks going in the wrong direction, she will inevitably run into some of her students' families from school.
And when she runs into her students' families, she will immediately regret going to the store in her post-workout attire.
Once she has broken free from her students' families, she will desperately try to remember why on earth she needed to come to the Walmart in the first place. She will dig in her purse, and then remember the list of important items was left on the counter still attached to the the very important item notepad and pen.
She will sigh and continue to push her wonky cart until she is distracted by the fun seasonal decorations. Mama A will be happy because there are Christmas trees right next to the Halloween costumes! She will get a little pep in her step and maybe regret all of those mean things she said about the Walmart store.
Until a lady with 65 children comes around the corner and puts everyone at a standstill.
Mama A will wait patiently while the woman stares at the shelves blankly while her circus is tearing apart the store. But after a few minutes, Mama A will want to shake the woman.
After Mama A escapes the circus aisle, she will make her way to the produce.
Mama A will have visions of collecting delicious produce for her family, but will be sadly disappointed that she can't get to the produce because 850000 people are also waiting to select cucumbers and cilantro and bananas, too.
And because Mama A can't get to her produce, she will make her way to the deli department. And once she gets to the deli, she will have to wait for a very long time for the ladies behind the counter to stop socializing.
And while she's waiting, another customer will come up and stand directly between Mama A and the counter to get a better look at the cheese on sale.
The customer will not care or notice that Mama A has been standing there very politely. And never mind that Mama A is only standing about 3 feet away from the counter.
Mama A will destroy this customer with her eyes.
Once Mama A has received her deli order, she will finally take the wonky cart to the checkout area.
And because there are 55 checkout lanes and only 2 of them are open (1 of which being the tobacco line of 20 items or less), she will have to get into a very, very long line.
But while she is waiting in line to put her groceries on the belt, Mama A will get all caught up with the Kardashians, she will see what Baby O's husband, Prince George, is up to, and she will also realize it's going to take a while and she might need to stock up on gum, chapstick, and long-term survival snack items.
But Mama A can't snap into a Slim Jim.
However, she might like a Snickers because "pretty, pretty dancing."
And when Mama A finally gets her items on the conveyer, the cashier will ring her up. And once the cashier has put all of Mama A's items into 2 bags, the cashier will announce that it will be $548,792,057,482.72 for those 2 bags of items.
Mama A will once again be confused by the rolling back of prices--perhaps they rolled so far that they had to come back up again?
Then Mama A will safely return wonky cart to the cart corral that is overflowing with other wonky carts. Mama A will get into her car and wait as yet another old lady in an enormous car is backing out directly behind her.
However, because Mama A is pulling out of the Walmart parking lot, she will feel her mood lighten.
She will feel like singing again! She will feel triumphant that she survived yet another Walmart experience.
She will drive home and get out of the car. She will walk her bags into her house and greet her family. And while she is listening to her girls talk about their days, she will realize that one of her most important items that she needs for the next day (bright and early) was not placed in her bags.
She will dig through both bags hoping that perhaps she overlooked that very important item.
Mama A will realize with horror that she cannot find the item.
Mama A knows this means she will have to return to Walmart.
And if you make Mama A go back to the Walmart,
she's going to feel like stabbing someone.
she's going to feel like stabbing someone.
See you tomorrow, sweet things.
Love and smooches,