Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Whisper louder.

I used to have a routine of waking up afraid.

It seems ridiculous, and maybe it wasn't always "fear", but it was something not pleasant.

Wake up and worry.  
Wake up and fear.  
Wake up and tick through impossible to-do list.  
Wake up and predict a confrontation.  
Wake up and believe rejection.  

Wake up and not enjoy the moment of waking because there were too many things to dread coming for the day.  



This has been a lifetime obsession.

If it wasn't school it was relationships.  Or family issues.  Or work issues.  Or friend issues.

Little by little it ate at me until it became my auto-pilot and security blanket.

I've had to learn to quickly attack these thoughts with prayers.  I've had to change my mindset.  I've had to stop and remind myself there are more things to be happy about.  Because if I wouldn't invite a bully into my home every single day with open arms only to be beat up over and over again, then I shouldn't let my heart and mind be hospitable to these negative thoughts that threaten to pierce through me every single day.  

I'm slowly finding my voice.  

He's been holding my hands and picking me up and dusting me off.  

And I'm starting to whisper louder.  

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