I'm tired in ways that I can't explain. I'm tired deep, deep down in my bones. I wake up thinking about when I can go back to sleep again. I spend the day counting the minutes until I can get home in my pajamas. I go to bed lamenting the fact that the alarm is going to wake me up for another busy day.
I'm freezing cold. So cold that I wear all the clothes and fur-lined boots and still want my husband to start the gas logs. I stand in the shower longer and longer willing the warm water to reach my aching bones and muscles.
I can't think straight. Simple tasks take longer and I shake my head to clear the fog. My former ability to quickly think through the easiest way to accomplish pressing problems seems to have vanished. And my words and sentences get all jumbled up when I type.
I'm overwhelmed and my temper is close to the surface. The tears well up quickly and not for good reasons. I choke back my emotions and shove them down because I don't have time to deal with whatever it is that's made me upset.
I don't have time for much more than going to work and coming home and tending to my family. Anything else would require energy that I just don't have these days. I am unable to spend time with friends and those relationships have suffered. I'm barely able to keep up around the house.
We will not speak of the current state of the bathrooms.
I increase my vitamins, I decrease my caffeine, I increase my water, and I decrease my calendar when I can. I give blood and wait for results. I pray that it's a simple deficiency.
These are the long days of motherhood, womanhood, and humanity. These are the long hours and minutes that everyone knows about, but only the individual can walk through. These are the moments that you cling to everything you know to be True, because if it's not the Truth, then it's not worth anything at all.
These are the minutes and seconds that I know I cannot do it on my own. These are the breaths when I'm reminded that I'm not a superhuman--I'm just an ordinary lady trying to do my very best.
And for this evening, it will just have to be good enough.