Saturday, September 14, 2013

Je ne sais quoi.

Recently I have felt like. . . I just don't even know. 

Suffocated?  Irritated?  Exhausted?  

Restless. 

I think everyone has this feeling once in a while.  

This stirring, this need to put your finger on whatever it is, and not being able to name it.  

I know a lot of it is postbabybacktoschoolI'mexhaustedandshouldreallyexercisebutwhereisthechocolate-itis situation I've got going on.  It's also the need to take care of things at work, at home, with my kids, with my husband, with my friends. . .  

But, at the same time, I feel this need to attend to the quiet tugging on my soul.  

I'm feeling creatively starved these days--no time to write, no time to take photos, no time to get in the kitchen, no time to make my house a home.  I also have very little time in the afternoons to catch up on basic housekeeping--and we can forget about the major projects that are screaming for attention.  

An artist feels great anxiety when she can't get whatever idea out of her system, and an OCD person feels out of sorts when order is lost.  Combine those personality traits and it all builds up into a messy mess of emotions and yuck and grumpiness.  

And when my trusty 5 year old Macbook's battery decides it wants to keep itself plugged in and attached to the wall, I'm ready to scream because I'm chained to yet another small thing that I don't have control over.

I've been attempting to breathe in the moments I'm in and all of those nice platitudes that we spit out when someone else is going through tough or exhausting times--and I'm simultaneously gasping for air and ready to plunge those platitudes in the river.  

At least it would be one less thing I have to do on my to-do list.  

Right now I'm in the thick of it.  There is a lot of momentum, but I can't always make out exactly where this forward motion is carrying me.  Or what's waiting for me when I actually get there.  

It's a sea of life, and I'm at the mercy of the waves.  


I think I just need time to stop, but right now I don't have that luxury.  But, somehow, I've got to find that time to breathe, like I've been telling others (and myself) to do.  To count gifts.  To appreciate the unexpected. And to be in the moment. 

Even when the moments are the most unhappy, unexpected, and less than fun.

Here's hoping that this weekend will be filled with pockets of time to unwind, reassess, and reaffirm.  
Happy Saturday!  xoxxo

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