Sometimes I hear the voices in my head.
I have a feeling that most of you hear these voices from time to time--voices of comparison, voices of resentment, voices of anxiousness, voices of fear, voices of regret, voices of despair. Voices of envy, voices of rage, voices of disappointment, voices of defeat. It can be very easy to let these voices cloud every thought in my head. And I've often let these voices take control and dictate my mood and my outlook on things.
It's easy to become discouraged when it seems like every single thing around you is falling apart. I have friends going through terrible situations and sadness. People are having major issues with their working environments. And my goodness, the news itself is downright depressing these days--from the economy to war to missing children to health issues--it appears our world is on a downward spiral.
There are also plenty of issues within the church community. Perfectly nice, normal people are struggling with inconceivable things.
And, let's be honest (and I promise not to write too much about this), I'm feeling rather terrible these days. All day nausea (ok, ok, 10am-almost bedtime), backaches that make me fearful to sneeze because it hurts so much, exhaustion, and the conflicting side effects of the pre-natal vitamins and Zofran. I. just. don't. feel. good.
And it's ok that I don't feel good, and I know a lot of ladies who would kill to be in my shoes right now to be able to have a baby, and I know as long as I don't feel good that most likely things are good inside--but it doesn't change the fact that I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Add all of this to the voices and we have a terrible situation full of dread and disappointment and bleck.
I pleaded with the Lord the other day to let me hear His voice in all of this. To stop the voices in my head that weren't from Him. To help me hear Him better, and to ignore the voices that are screaming for my attention. And sometimes asking the Lord for His voice is scary when you are in the middle of the ugly and down and out. We're taught our whole lives to seek the Lord for direction and guidance, but when He's allowed you to walk through fire. . .sometimes your feet remember the sting and are slow to want to follow Him. You can be hesitant to trust the One who led you to this place. . .because what if it means more hurt, more rejection, more pain?
And these voices shout in our heads. They want to drown out every last bit of peace and Truth that we know, and they want us to be wrought with worry and fear. They want us to question the very things that we know to be true, to doubt, and to lose our joy.
But, the Lord, He is so, so good.
These past few months, I've learned that His voice is the small voice in my head. The voice that speaks in Love, and in confidence, and in quiet reassurance. His voice is the one that doesn't leave me trembling in confusion or anxiousness. His voice is the one that leads with Love, that speaks the Truth into my doubtful mind, and gently reminds me over and over that I am not worthy on my own, but I am His daughter and I am whole because He covers me with grace and mercy.
Perfect Love, oh, how it drives out fear (1 John 4:18, emphasis mine).
I'm not saying it's easy. I'm certainly not the poster child for continuous trust in the Lord--because sometimes that trust doesn't come so easily from my fleshy side. But, I have to remind myself over and over that He can be trusted. He is big enough to handle our humanness and our shortcomings and our fears and our failures. He is big enough to handle all of the emotions that our heads and hearts carry. He is big enough when we throw our hands in the air and beg Him for relief, and when we yell in our anger, and when we rage in our disappointments.
It's time to quiet the voices.
And it's time to replace them with a Voice we've always known.