Thursday, July 12, 2012

I Am a Mess.

I have severe PMS.  

Sorry boys.  I know, I know, I know. 

But, this is my life as I try to tell it.  So, in this life o' mine is a little PMS, too. 

I re-woke up this morning with a severe case of the grumpies.  I woke up at 3am with the grumpies (irritated that I was awake, irritated that I was hot, irritated that I had to use the bathroom, irritated that our house still smelled like last night's dinner, irritated with LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and then woke up again at the normal waking hour with the same grumpies.

I wanted to close my eyes and make it all go away, but of course my eldest child decided right then that she needed a Poptart before I was out of the bed.  The one child who is perfectly capable of getting one out of the cabinet herself.  The one who normally doesn't even care for breakfast until almost lunchtime.  Wanted a Poptart.  Before I was ready to hand out said Poptart.

If you judge me on my children's partaking of Poptarts I may stab you or punch you in the face.  See sentence one, exhibit A. 

I was irritated as I hobbled into the kitchen.  The older I get, the more I hobble in the mornings and I'm only 33.  This does not bode well for my future.  I was trying to silently get to the coffee pot before anyone heard that I was awake and came in asking for those Poptarts.  The machine seemed to drip slowly this morning and I looked at these gray skies with irritation.  Where is my sunshine?  Where is my Vitamin D?  How am I supposed to perk up if you stupid skies look the way I feel this morning???

I went to the table and tried to drown my sorrows in my enormous mug of coffee.  No dainty mugs for this old lady.  No ma'am.  I drink one big bucket to start my day.

I started my morning routine:  coffee, Read, journal, blogs.  I run across Kristin Welch's post on (in)courage and smile with affirmation.  I get what she's saying and I desperately needed the reminder this morning:

"I am His, I am enough today, and my mess is the perfect place for His glory."  

So many times I don't feel like I'm effective unless I'm on top of my game.  I need to be completely dressed, cleaned house, on time for whatever, and ready with a smile and a good attitude.  If I'm not on it, I'd rather hide in my pjs listening to my washing machine and eat junk food keep myself from getting too low blood sugar and spend time on Facebook.  There are many days I want to sit in my bathroom and cry as the chaos is swirling around me.  I don't want to tell you that I've got to scrub my toilets and I've got camp dirt on my floors everysingledayofmylifenomatterhowmuchisweep and sometimes my kids fight and that I don't always feel social and I'm content to lounge away my time on the internets while watching Lost.  I don't want you to know that sometimes life feels too much like effort and when I feel like I'm losing the war, I'd rather just not fight anymore.

But I have a feeling that it might be true for you, too.  Which I why I feel the need to join Mrs. Welch today when I repeat her mantra:

"I am His, I am enough today, and my mess is the perfect place for His glory." 

I give you permission to not be on it today.  I give you permission to let Him meet you right where you are today.  I am letting you know that it's ok, we're all in this sinking boat of life together, and that your mess of a life really is the perfect place for His glory.

Maybe the historians won't write about my life later.  Maybe the only people who will remember me are my immediate family and a handful of friends before they pass on themselves.  Maybe my life will only be a blip on the radar.

Repeat after me:  It doesn't matter.  

Because He can bring Glory out of my mess of a life.  To try to fix it and make it something on my own is only self-seeking to bring me glory.  So today, whatever it is that's on your schedule remember:

"I am His, I am enough today, and my mess is the perfect place for His glory." 

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