Recently I flipped through some of his archives and he talked about his struggles--how there were wounds that weren't quite yet scars. He alluded to the fact that it was still a daily challenge to deal with parts of his personal struggles, and that his counselor wasn't going to try to "fix" all of him because those daily challenges served as a reminder to Shaun that he needed to depend on Him to make things better.
I loved that simple reminder, that sometimes we face struggles to remind ourselves that we aren't able to do it all by ourselves. That we are allowed these moments of pain and weakness to remind us of our daily need to depend on Him. It's a simple reminder of our flesh and our dependence on Him to heal our wounds with the ones He endured for us.
Anyone else struggle with self-sufficiency like myself?
I know it all too well. And I know that He has been working on my heart so much these past few months. I've explored parts of me that really, really stink. When I finally allowed myself to uncover them, I quickly wanted to remove them or cut them off or cover them up again rather than face them. But God has graciously allowed me to pick them up and examine them.
And to hand them over.
It's not an easy process. It's something I'd almost rather not deal with, but it's making me weaker (and yet stronger in Him) every day. My wounds are still tender in certain places. They are still pink, they are still fresh, and they are still easily punctured. However, I have gained a lot of healing in many places. I look forward to the days that these particular wounds might become scars and no longer hurt, but will serve as reminders to me of where I've come. I can feel my wounds healing, but it's not because I've put medicine on them. God has allowed good old-fashioned time and resting in Him to heal them. I have been encouraged by Him through reflection, reading, and prayer that He is faithful and mighty to save.
In the meantime, I'm finding myself needing to protect my wounds by keeping them safe from additional harm. In this particular case, this includes staying away from certain situations and conversations. It means that I must be careful to guard my heart and my ears from things that I have allowed to enter in the past. It means that I must guard my mind from certain thoughts that like to take up residence. I must constantly be on guard and plead for His protection.
It's a lot like the athlete recovering from an injury. If they want to return to the sport, they will have to slowly work their way back to the field. Pushing things too quickly will only result in setbacks. And these setbacks remind us again and again that our flesh is weak, and He is strong.
No one likes looking at their humanness. It can be heartbreaking and downright depressing to recognize your failures and shortcomings. Even though I have not enjoyed living through some of these messes I've called my life, I am finding myself thankful for the experience to see things through His lenses.