Blank Slate. Because I really don't know who I am today.

I stand in front of the rows and rows of colorful choices at Lowe's.  I close one eye (and keep the other on the kids) and try to imagine them all on different walls of my new home.  A home that is ours on loan for an undisclosed amount of time.  A home that will welcome staff and friends and family and church members and children and teens and others who grace our grounds.

I grow increasingly frustrated by the rows of colors because I don't know which color will be the best color for the right time of the day in the right room of the house.

I don't know how the carpet will look next to all of these colors.  I can't imagine the tile next to the colors.  I don't know how it will all come together in a reasonable way.

I grow impatient with myself.  For not knowing which colors are the best.  For not deciding quickly.  For having to decide so many things at once.  For not being able to decide.  For having children in the cart who are over their daily trip to Lowe's.  I'm irritated that this is our family's 8th visit to Lowe's this week (yes, one day held two different visits for two different things).  For the glare of lights, for the end of the teaching workday's rumble in my tummy, for the feeling of confusion and exhaustion.

No one on HGTV ever looks this annoyed for more than 2.4 minutes.  Then they are happy again.  And a designer comes in to save the day.  And she doesn't have paint all over her in public--even with her all black clothes on.  AND she brings her carpenter and electrician and happy paint cans of delicious color.  

I look, and look, and look and try to decide which colors will best describe our family and our intended home atmosphere.

And I am irritated because I do not know. 

I don't know who I am anymore. 

I'm not a minister's wife anymore.  I'm not going to live in my home anymore.  I'm not sure what a camp manager's wife does or is expected to do.  I'm not sure how this will impact our family.  How will I serve my husband?  Our camp?

And how do I represent this in our home?  Because my home is one way that I communicate to others.  Coffee and candles?  Calm and serenity.  Toys, crayons, and laundry?  Life with kids.  

Messy home?  Chaotic schedule and Mama A's overwhelmed.  

My children's room will be decorated in pinks and lavenders.  Their room will be the most colorful room of the house.  It was relatively easy to pick those colors.  The lavender was a simple choice and it came down to a family vote between the pinks.  

But for the rest of the home. . .I finally decide on shades of gray.  Gray is industrial.  Gray is neutral territory--the common ground between white and black.  Gray allows other colors to pop with intensity.  Gray is a clean slate, ready to deliver a steady foundation and support to bring vibrance to ordinary accent colors.

I hope that my home and my heart remains shades of gray.  To be industrial, hardworking, and ready to support.  To be a common ground for those who visit, that all should feel welcome regardless of background, opinions, or status.  To allow the visitors, but especially the children, to pop with intensity.

To be the steady foundation of grace and warmth as we invite others to Live.