Saturday, January 8, 2011

Mama A: Happy New Semester College Kids!

Hello Sweet Students!

Mama A here, ready to unload another installment about how not to be the student the professors snicker about in meetings*  who does poorly this semester.

Many of you are entering this semester with optimism:  It's a new semester!  It's time to study!  You're gonna do great!  You're gonna get more sleep!  You're not going to date because you are taking your studies seriously!  You're gonna be more responsible!  You're gonna save that GPA so you have a chance to come back another semester!!!

Yep, and then Thursday hits and the newness wears off and your back to your old tricks again.  

So, in the event you fall back into your old ways of failing to complete assignments on time, let me provide you with the top 10 worst excuses for not turning in your assignments or failing to show up for class.  Offenders will remain anonymous.  However, if you pull these shenanigans in my classes again this semester I will come back to this post and put your name in ALL CAPS for the world to see.

1.  "I didn't get the assignment."  If you didn't get the assignment because you weren't in class, it's not the professor's fault.  You are a grown up.  Act like it.  Find out from a friend in the class, check the syllabus, email the professor.  It's not our job to hunt you down like the elusive Loch Ness Monster.

2.  "I don't check my school email."  Seriously?  You don't check your school email?  You're at school.  We're at school. We're going to email you at school.  For the love of all that's good and wonderful, check your school email!  Of course we're not going to send it to your other (multiple) accounts.  Most of you have iPhones and Blackberries--get your email sent to your phone.

3.  "I didn't want to drive across town/walk across the street in the rain."  If Mama A can make it in to work, you can make it to school.

4.  "I was out of paper/my printer broke."  Our school offers a computer lab, a library, and Wal-mart is open 24 hours.  You are in a dorm of people with both paper AND printers.  AND, there is this lovely thing called "school email" that you can attach your paper to and ta-da! it comes directly to my inbox.  Or use a thumb drive.  Really, the possibilities are endless!

5.  "I didn't understand the assignment so I didn't do it."  Wow.  Do you expect me to say, "Oh honey, it's ok!" and pat you on the head and lead you to the Path of Understanding?  NO!  If you don't understand the assignment, do not wait until the due date to inquire about it AND expect an extension.

6.  "I missed every test this semester because I happened to be sick each time you had one in class (but made it to all of my classes that day and tried to sneak out without being seen so I could have another day to study).  Can I make them up?"  You must think we don't know what you're doing.

7.  "I didn't do well on your test because I didn't have a study guide."  You've got several study guides:  your book, your lecture, and your class notes/power points.  You're welcome!  Life doesn't come with a study guide.  You're going to have to learn how to apply knowledge and not just regurgitate for a test and then delete from your memory everything we've learned this semester.

8.  "I didn't feel like getting up this morning."  I can't wait until you tell your boss that one day.  Please let me know what they have to say.

9.  "Wedding planning is taking over my life." This can also read:  "We just broke up."  Whether you get married or not, life continues.  Contrary to the joke, this is not a bridal college.

And finally, my most favorite question:

10.  "I didn't miss anything in class today, did I?"  Of course not, this entire class was just coloring sheets and musical games and had nothing to do with fulfilling silly things like course requirements and SLOs.  And especially since you weren't there, precious.  We just couldn't go on without you.

Happy Spring Semester 2011!

*Of course we would never snicker about any of our students. Just like you would never offer these excuses to us.

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