I am tired of being guilty--judged harshly and severely by a jury of one.
I am tired of making myself sick with unnecessary worry.
I am tired of living up to brutal expectations I place on myself.
"If I don't stay home with my kids they won't have the same mommy-child interaction that she has with her kids. She's a better mommy than me."
"If I don't prepare this lecture to the nth degree people will know that I'm just a 31 year old girl pretending to be a professor. They are all better at this and they see my insecurities."
"If I don't clean my house regularly people will know that we have clutter, small children, and a dog. I'll never be as good as my mom."
"If I don't check my email constantly someone might get offended because I didn't respond in 2 minutes."
"If I put my foot in my mouth I will certainly lose any hopes of maintaining any sort of friendship with this person. I'm not good at starting friendships anyway."
"If I don't check to ensure that Molly has done her homework correctly I will be a bad parent that teachers talk about. I know because I used to talk about those parents."
"If I don't act like this or that people will judge me because I am a minister's wife/Bible college professor/Christian. Talk about a triple whammy."
I am tired of feeling self-imposed pressure. No one has ever verbalized any of this to me, but sometimes I really get sick of the voices in my head who constantly call me to shape up or ship out.
I think all women deal with some sort of doubt about their abilities. We all have insecurities and worry points in our lives.
We measure ourselves against a standard that is not fair or realistic.
This has been heavy on my heart recently. Last week I listened to Andy Stanley on my way to work (if you don't subscribe to his podcasts, please do so) and thought constantly about Mr. Stanley's idea that God is our Father--He loves us like our fathers love us: for who we are and for our potential. I love my children for who they are and for who they will be. I see their strengths and weaknesses--and I love them for both.
This morning I also read posts at Chatting at the Sky and (in)courage and they both struck such a chord with me.
For some crazy reason, I was created to be the person I am. A short, OCD and ADD, emotional mess, musician, wife, mommy, friend. Before I arrived He knew my path--and He orchestrates things in ways that are unfathomable to my human brain.
Therefore, when I worry and measure myself against anything that is not from Him, I am doubting His ability. I am refusing to accept His plans and cramming my opinions and choices in place of them. I am trying so hard to walk this tightrope of perfection--while completely ignoring the fact that I'm on the wrong rope to begin with!
I will take a deep breath.
I will walk the path set by the One who holds Time and Planning in His hands.
I will take off my overly scrutinizing glasses, step away from the mirror of self-doubt, and stop looking for acceptance in earthly places.
I will relinquish the gavel and the black robe to the One who is the Authority.