Thursday, November 25, 2010

Mama A's Rules for Turkey Day

Happy Turkey Day Dear Students,

It's Mama A here again, ready to provide you with your handy dandy survival guide for the holiday at home.  For some of you, this is your first holiday back in the homestead after being oh so independent in your dorm room since August.  You feel important, people marvel at your significantly larger brain (and who can blame them when you're throwing words around like "exegetical"????), and people are eager to ask you about college life.

However, there are some of you that need to pay close attention to what I'm getting ready to tell you.

Lean in little darlings and read very, very, very closely:

Do Not Be A Turd This Holiday Season. 

"Turd" might be a little strong.  

How about:

Do Not Be A Turd Turkey This Holiday Season

We've allllll been around people like this.  We've rolled our eyes as they've told us how amazing college life is.  How dorm life is just so fun.  How they've possibly met the love of their life over pork loin with mystery glaze sauce in the cafeteria. 

***I'm still shuddering at the whole "amazing" word.  I'm really not happy that it's on my blog now for the world to see.  For those of you who do not frequent my blog, please know I think it's the most overused word in the English language and I die a little when pot-tart teen queens and kings use it for things like socks and break it up with heavy emphasis on the first syllable (UH-mazing).  

Stop the uh-mazing madness before I punch someone in the face!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahem. 

Cleansing breath.  

Thumb and middle fingers together, eyes closed, hummmmmmmmmmm. 

Whew.  

Now, dear students, allow me to share some holiday tips that will alleviate any of your relatives' strong desire to carve you like a turkey or cram a spoonful of mash potatoes in your mouth to keep you from blabbing on and on about your most uh-mazing (shudder) semester at college. 

1.  For the love of all humanity, please do not go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about anything.  Succinct stories will suffice.      

2.  Get off of your cell phone during the meal and family gathering.  This includes texting and checking Facebook.  And if you pull out your laptop, I hope some small child or animal causes it to fall from your hands and smash into a million pieces.  Not cool.  You are there to see your loved ones, not chat it up with friends you've known for t-minus 3 months.  

3. Don't throw around big words you've just learned last month and then get that look like, "You don't know what [insert big word you don't even know how to spell without spellcheck here] means?!?!" when speaking to those who ask you what it means.  

4.  Don't be a jerk to your parents.  Yes, I understand that you have had relative control over your life decisions for the past few months.  You don't have to ask if you can come and go at school, you do what you want to do--I get it.  But, when you are in your mama's house (or whomever's nest you descend on for the holiday season), she is the Queen Supreme.  You owe he/she/them at the very least the courtesy of of being a good house guest.  

Newsflash--they've probably gotten used to not having you around as well.  They will always love you and welcome you in, but I'm sure they've enjoyed having one less person to clean up after.  

I'm just saying it because a lot of moms won't admit that out loud. 

I will also say that for many of you, your parents still pay for a good chunk of your school expenses.  And if nothing else, in the words of my favorite television dad, Heathcliff Huxtable, "I'm your father.  I brought you into this world and I'll take you out."  

Give respect to those who brought you into this world.  

5.  Please wear something other than your college shirts, sweats, wristbands, and tattoos this weekend.  Remember when you used to joke kids for wearing something new and special for the first day of school?  (Everyone knows you wear your new clothes on the second day of school so you don't look like you're trying too hard!)

You've now become that kid.  

6.  Don't be a jerk to those friends who are still in high school or at the local community college.  They didn't choose the same path as you, or they aren't at that point yet.  Don't hold it against them.  Some of you completely forget who you were in August.  You can't change THAT MUCH over three months that you have forgotten everyone and everything about the 18 years prior to college.  

Christmas break is a long month at home.  Blow them off now and no one will want to see you in December.  

7.  Some of you need a reality check because you've been too busy spending time snoodling with snookums rather than cracking a book this semester.  You might be a One Semester Wonder if you don't get your act together.  So, instead of being all "maybe I'm just not meant to be a student wahh wahh"--how about admitting that perhaps you just aren't the kind that likes to work for what you want.

Dear Students, Mama A loves you and wants you to do well in all that you do.  I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving Day!

Love and Smooches. 


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