Saturday, April 3, 2010

A Foggy Day, in Simpson Town

I love that I can now eat in my kitchen.  Recently we moved our dining room table into the kitchen to facilitate family meals at the table.  I am so proud that since we have done this we have not eaten in front of the television or in the living room.  Yea!  I like being able to see out of my windows in the morning as I drink my coffee and catch up on blogs and emails before I start my day.

One week from today I will be headed out with the praise team to officially start our 2010 tour to Florida. I'm looking forward to it in some ways--spending time with the students, traveling, visiting churches, worshipping with new congregations.  I'm not looking forward to it for two specific reasons:  being away from home and my family for a whole week and trying to complete my schoolwork for graduate school.

A week is serious business when you are completing your capstone (that's the official name of my final project.  We do not have a thesis--we complete this mega project on steroids with a long paper and annotated bibliography and powerpoint--and then present it before a panel of the music ed faculty for 30 minutes.  We also have to take a written exam that takes most people 3 hours to complete.  I have to apply for graduation about mid-May and it usually takes a month before your time is scheduled--so mid June is when it arrives.  I have to be DONE with my work when I apply in May--I have to submit everything and then wait to present.  I can also use that time to study for the written exam.)

I remember a year ago when I was going through all my precariousness being so upset about time away from my family.  I'm trying to keep this in perspective.  I'm not dealing with what Jill's dealing with.  I'm not dealing with what Beth Ann or Caroline are dealing with.  And I certainly haven't been involved in a shady hold-up like my pal, Neal. While my situation doesn't have quite the threat level that theirs may possess, my time away from my family is still a major struggle for me.  I hate, hate, hate being away from my family.

Thursday night, Rachel and I were talking about the perils of motherhood.  No one understands (except another mommy) how your whole world is affected by your children.  Your whole life gets wrapped around the idea of taking care of your children and making sure you're around to take care of your children.  It can become a serious issue--sometimes to the point of craziness.  I trust God, but sometimes I want to handle it myself instead of just letting Him hold on to it for me.  So, when I'm in my moments of "I don't want to leave my babies!!!" I just keep praying, "Lord, You know my deepest desire is to be with my kids--be there for them and see them grow up.  I know Your ways are not my ways, and I'm going to trust that You've got this in control."

Most of the time I feel pretty confident in those words.

Because of sweet babies like Ayden and Paxton, I am reminded how God's timing is not always our own.  I make a point to treasure my moments I do have as much as possible.

This stress of work and school and life has really gotten to me physically this week.  I had a migraine on Thursday as I tried to pull everything together in my head.  This is rare--I think I've only had 1-2 beforehand.  Once right after Molly was born when dealing with some major PPD issues and then once while I was pregnant with Lily (Lindsey, do you remember the day we were going to host everyone for breakfast and Molly tumbled down the steps and we had to make an emergency trip to the dentist--I really think it was the 23rd or 24th of December?  That morning I had a terrible migraine in addition to all the other fun).  Thursday I got up and started trying to do everything at once--run laundry, get Molly off to school, feed Lily, work on homework, practice guitar, get ready for Awards Day at Molly's school, run errands with Chris--and then my two friends in graduate school were coming into town and we had a long conversation about the items we must complete before May, and Chris started compiling our tax items to give to his aunt who is a CPA, who is kind enough to do them for us.

All of the sudden my head felt like I had been punched with knives and my eyesight got all wiggly (I don't know how else to describe it).  Chris was asking me questions and I couldn't think of how to answer them in complete sentences.  I felt so sick like I was going to throw up and I was seriously struggling.  Chris made me take a nap with Lily and went to Awards Day.  I woke up several hours later and still felt weak in my arms.  I was a mess at my guitar lesson later--I couldn't get my fingers to cooperate and stay on the frets.  I still felt a little crazy at praise team practice, and I felt like I couldn't get my words out 100% when speaking.  Ugh.

I have a lot on my plate--and sometimes I want to hang a sign on my door or around my neck that says, "If it can wait, if it is not life or death, if it is trivial or annoying--PLEASE WAIT UNTIL MAY!"

I am trying to get caught up this weekend around the house and get ahead on my school work.  Luckily I have Monday off (and I guess Tuesday if you want to count that since it's not a normal working day for me).  I need to switch out some winter clothes with summer (since it has magically arrived overnight!), work on some cleaning, work on some work, and try to relax as much as possible.

Happy Easter!

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