Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Aches and pains

I am a puddle of tears right this minute.  As I mentioned a few blogs back some friends of ours have recently lost their newborn son.  While we are not extremely close with the parents, we are very friendly with the mom's sisters, their parents, and I work with the paternal grandfather at MACU.  I opened my email this morning and read his reflections about the loss of his grandson.

My heart is breaking because of his comments--that his pain is much more than a loss of a grandchild, it is the loss of dreams, future memories, but trusting the promise and belief that despite the fact we want these individuals we love back so badly we can't breathe, we would never want them to return from the comfort of Heaven. 


Having children made me a crazy person.  Seriously.

I never obsessed over things like death and protecting my children until I had them.  I lived every day as if I had a million more to go and it really didn't occur to me that every moment was precious until the doctor handed me my baby girls.  The fear of dying and leaving them alone, or even worse, them dying and I would be left holding nothing made me literally insane (and I had the meds and diagnosis to prove it!)  I remember sobbing for hours at the FEAR of something like that happening to me.

I used to say I was afraid of tornados, spiders, and the dark.  Now I add something happening to me or my kids.  In fact, this is why I have the hardest time speaking to parents after the death of their children because they personify my biggest fears.  And if I let myself dwell on it too long I know that I could really go back to that dark, dark place I was in when Molly was small.  When I grabbed onto everything that wasn't holy, making my child and my life my two most important idols, and shut EVERYONE out.

In our small group we talked about the fear of death.  Of course, as Christians we do not fear the afterlife because we believe we'll join Jesus and live forever.  However, as easy as it is to say those words, there is always a small voice that says, "Yes, but who will take care of you children?"  "What if your children are the ones who are taken?"  "What if you're wrong?  What if there isn't a Heaven?"

Get thee behind me, Satan.


I'm going to choose to believe that I am right.  I'm going to choose to believe that my God wants something better for me and my family and my friends, and that we will be joined forever in His home.  I'm going to choose that my God only wants good for me, and while I do not understand what in the WORLD is going on, I will remind myself that He is in control.

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