Girl Funk
Ladies--ever been in a I hate my hair. . .clothes. . .legs. . .tummy. . .pores. . .skin. . .behind. . .shoes. . .makeup. . .teeth. . .arms. . .stretch marks. . .wrinkles. . .body mood?
Oh me.
Sometimes I get so depressed looking at people (not even stars, like regular people) who make it look effortless--and remembering where I've come from. I used to be skinny. I used to have a mark proof body. People used to say I was cute (not necessarily pretty/breathtaking/lovely--but I usually nailed a "cute" pretty regularly). I used to have money to spend solely on my beautification regime (and it never took as long as it seems to take now). I used to have time to paint my toes. I used to have time to exercise (even though I didn't have to). I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without having to worry about bloating or weight gain.
And then. . .age happened.
I got married, got on birth control, gained weight and got OFF of hormonally controlled birth control and used other options. . . and got pregnant--gained MORE weight and lots of stretching due to some lovely (insert sarcasm) bloating in my last trimester. . . had baby. . .got depression/PTSD after delivery from hell. . .had to go on more drugs. . .gained more weight.
When I finally got off of all of those meds, I decided to go ahead and have baby number 2.
Hmm.
Weight. Weight. Weight.
Loss of skin elasticity. Loss of ability to wear two piece bathing suit. Loss of self esteem.
Somehow along the past 7 years or so, I've lost my me-ness. I've lost the overwhelming desire to be cute (but not because I don't want to be cute, because who doesn't want to be at least cute???) because I. . .well, I don't really even know why.
Maybe because if I start dressing my body better I'll look like I'm accepting that I'm no longer a 110 pound girl.
Maybe people will think I'm working too hard on this "cuteness."
Maybe I won't be able to pull it all off without looking awkward.
Maybe I'll look too young. . .or too old. . .or too not me (even though, right this minute, I really have no idea what "me" is).
I don't need the approval of others, I think I really just want approval from myself. Like, ok, you look nice. . .cute. . put together.
Here's my other thing. I've seen those girls who cannot let go of their early twenties and are too OLD to be wearing the things they wear. Or squeeze into some too tight clothing because they think it's attractive to men. Ladies--PLEASE stop putting your umm....assets out there all the time. Men will NOT want to seriously date you if you make it too easy for them to see said assets. Put the boobs and the butts up PLEASE. And get them off of your FB, MySpace, or Party ECU pages because 1. It makes you look immature to have party girl photos up from too many years ago, 2. It really gives the wrong impression, and 3. It makes you look like a dumb party girl. No man of substance wants one of those girls. TAKE THEM DOWN!
And for goodness sake, spandex will always remain a privilege and never a right.
I don't want to be one of those girls. Ever.
It's so hard sometimes being a stupid, selfish, and vain girl.
i had to laugh at the spandex comment. completely agree, unless we're talking about undergarments. then i am a complete supporter (ha! support--get it?) of using control-top whatever you need to prevent any VPLs...
ReplyDeletebut i've been there. and i'm also in a slump with exercise and taking care of myself and even though i believe that i've pretty comfortable with my body, there are still those moments where i get self-conscious and frustrated that stuff doesn't fit quite the same way that it used to. and i fear what might happen in the future, because my mom, dad, aunts/uncles, grandparents, you name it-- have struggled with weight for as long as i can remember. and i get scared that my lack of effort now will turn to a major problem later on after i go through pregnancies and those stages where the weight just doesn't come off...
and that's what the little vain, girly voice says in the back of my head.
BUT if you need time to paint your toenails, or want a shopping buddy to keep you motivated, i'm good at both of those things. like i wrote about a few weeks ago, i agree with stacy and clinton when they say "dress the body you have, not the one you wish you had" and dress it in a way that builds up your self-confidence. i LOVED that top you wore on sunday--i remember thinking, what a cute pattern and sorta bohemian-chic look. and the hair--can we just talk about the "cuteness" it takes to pull of that style, girl? i think we all have those moments where we question ourselves, our style, our bodies, how people see us, how we see ourselves. but then i remember that i have an adoring husband who loves me just the way i am, a Heavenly Father who sees me as something entirely different than this mortal body here on earth, and i just don't pay attention to the numbers anymore :)
(sorry, just realized that i wrote a book. but i love this post and have been/am there right now. i'm serious about the toenails or shopping.)
I so needed both the post and the comments today. . .It is funny how we as women really struggle with the body image thing. . . Our bible study I'm leading this summer is covering Cleaning out your thought closet. I'm working hard to do that. . I was a runner, broke the feet. . . ya know, gained weight. . . now, I am not focusing on the scale, I am working to be healthy. I make sure I hit the gym/walk on the treadmill/Wii Fit, something once per day. It is about being healthy, not being "skinny." I want to know that I treat my body the way Christ would want me to. But, at the same time, I do not wish to be vain about it. Not sure I've made much sense, but ya know. :0) Hugs!! BTW: I love a pedicure and treat myself once in a while. I think it's ok to like our girlie side! :o) LOL
ReplyDeleteLauren...are you talking about the brown top? I loved that too! I leaned over and told Chris that I really liked it.
ReplyDeleteAmanda, I'm with ya. I was telling Teri and Chris the other day that I haven't minded being pregnant. The part I'm not looking forward to is the weeks afterwards when none of the clothes in my closet fit like I want them to...especially with jean season coming up. I LOVE MY FAVORITE JEANS as good as any other chick. A couple of days later we were looking through pictures of when we had just gotten married, then right before Silas and then after Silas. I think it was good for me. I realized that I am a pretty girl, despite the fact that my clothes may not be the hippest. I could even look at the pictures post-pregnancy and see pretty. I did realize that I like my hair much better when it's cut short (plans to have that done shortly after Savannah's birth!). I also realized that I have a family, friends and husband and little boy who really think I'm cool. Now I get to throw in the fact that I'll be helping to raise a little girl and I want to try to be a positive role model in the self-image department for her sake. It is amazing what a cute new shirt, painted toes and a freshly pampered body can do for your self-esteem.
On a completely different note...
I think it's funny that in your Family Sticker at the bottom of your page, Lily has more hair than everyone! :-)
it was the green and cream printed top, i think. 3/4 length sleeves?
ReplyDeletebut i like the brown top, too :)
Thank you ladies for your comments--you three are the kind of girls that always seem to make it look effortless!!!
ReplyDeleteI think part of it to is accepting that we're moving into adulthood--real, live, no going back, to adulthood. And knowing that I DON'T want to be one of those mommyjeans wearing ladies, but I also don't need to wear AE on my shirt or Juicy on my butt to look trendy and cool. It's that in between--and I also want my own-ness. . .Does that make sense?
Lauren--I think we should make a date soon! That would be a lot of fun!
Ivy--you make sense! haha
Lindsey--I think it's very representative of Lily's wild hair.
Oh, the green shirt came from the Gap clearance rack--I think it was about $10? And the brown shirt came from Kohl's. Thanks. I like them, too.
Amanda,
ReplyDeleteI loved this post. I just read it for the 3rd time today!
Thanks for your honesty - always.
What is it about us women? and I do think it is all of us, not just the vain ones like you and me :)
I am in this wheelchair and still care about stuff like clothes and hair and make-up and have thought how crazy is that?
One of the many things I love about you is that you don't need the approval of others. But even if you don't.....I think you are BEAUTIFUL!!!
I noticed your cute green and cream top too! So see Amanda...you must have some cuteness in you because we all noticed you on Sunday!
ReplyDeleteBeauty is fleeting and really when you're old and have grandchildren you are not going to care about how cute you are--and neither will your family. While working with elderly and sometimes dying women I have never once heard a single one of them say, "I sure wish I had been cuter". Most of them say the opposite--"I wish I had spent more time on the important things instead of worrying about my hair, my clothes, my teeth, my makeup, etc. etc. et."!!!
It is hard when we live in such a vain, looks-obsessed society. But honestly you are a beautiful person not only because of your cuteness on the outside but because you love Jesus and you love others. I've only known you a short time and I can see that in you!
Don't be so hard on yourself!
Okay, that's my pep talk for the day. And I think you're pretty even if you aren't "green"! :)
I don't know...I do aspire to be one of those cute old ladies one day. The crazy ones who speak their minds, and everyone laughs at them because they are just so dang funny (think Sophia on the Golden Girls).
ReplyDeletehaha--thanks for the pep talks girls.
And Laura--At least my shirt was green. . . to hide my purpleness! haha
Amanda,
ReplyDeleteI stumbled on your blog a couple weeks ago and you cracked me up with some of the things you said, so I kept coming back. Today when I read your post, I knew I had to comment. You hit real close to home with me. I know the infamous green shirt as I specifically remember complimenting you on it! And it was CUTE!
All afternoon, I kept thinking about what my mom used to say "pretty is as pretty does". At the time I thought that was something ugly people just said to make themselves feel better or my mom said when the popular girls could be so hateful. But seriously, I really understand it now...I see the women around me (you included, btw!) that I consider beautiful not because they're the perfect size, but because they have an inner beauty and they have touched my heart. Some of us will never fit back into the jeans we wore in college, but thank God he planned it so that our rounded bellies can cushion our children's faces when they run to us for comfort and give them a soft seat when they snuggle in our laps. I'll take that over those size 6's any day of the week. : )
OH LORI! That is GREAT! :) sniffle sniffle
ReplyDeleteI love what Lori said. I'll never think of my squishy tummy the same way again! :)
ReplyDeleteDo we have to keep using "squishy"? There has to be a better word! :-)
ReplyDeleteGIRL...Love your post. I think about all the summer and fall clothes I packed away at the beginning of the summer because I knew I wouldn't be able to wear them for awhile (during the pregnancy and after).
ReplyDeleteI wonder if I'll be able to get back into my favorite jeans...ever. I'm scared about stretch marks! I wonder if I'll look "old" after having a baby. It's totally scary and weird at the same time. I've never been skinny, my weight has always flucuated, but right before I got pregnant in January I had lost about 23 pounds via Weight Watchers. Of course that has all come back now because of being pregnant, but at least most of it is in my belly :)
Girl, I totally hear you but then again, isn't being the mom of two gorgeous girls totally worth it? And that we are so much smarter and mature than we were in our early twenties?
Oh, and you my dear are still cute! Don't let anyone (including your reflection in the mirror) tell you otherwise!
I am weeks late on this post, but I loved it so much that I had to comment. Plus, I just found you yesterday. Thanks so much for your honesty and frankness. It's nice to know that we all have those days. I did love the "squishy" belly story, but I'm also with Lindsey - there has to be a better word!
ReplyDelete