Sometimes I get so depressed looking at people (not even stars, like regular people) who make it look effortless--and remembering where I've come from. I used to be skinny. I used to have a mark proof body. People used to say I was cute (not necessarily pretty/breathtaking/lovely--but I usually nailed a "cute" pretty regularly). I used to have money to spend solely on my beautification regime (and it never took as long as it seems to take now). I used to have time to paint my toes. I used to have time to exercise (even though I didn't have to). I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without having to worry about bloating or weight gain.
And then. . .age happened.
I got married, got on birth control, gained weight and got OFF of hormonally controlled birth control and used other options. . . and got pregnant--gained MORE weight and lots of stretching due to some lovely (insert sarcasm) bloating in my last trimester. . . had baby. . .got depression/PTSD after delivery from hell. . .had to go on more drugs. . .gained more weight.
When I finally got off of all of those meds, I decided to go ahead and have baby number 2.
Weight. Weight. Weight.
Loss of skin elasticity. Loss of ability to wear two piece bathing suit. Loss of self esteem.
Somehow along the past 7 years or so, I've lost my me-ness. I've lost the overwhelming desire to be cute (but not because I don't want to be cute, because who doesn't want to be at least cute???) because I. . .well, I don't really even know why.
Maybe because if I start dressing my body better I'll look like I'm accepting that I'm no longer a 110 pound girl.
Maybe people will think I'm working too hard on this "cuteness."
Maybe I won't be able to pull it all off without looking awkward.
Maybe I'll look too young. . .or too old. . .or too not me (even though, right this minute, I really have no idea what "me" is).
I don't need the approval of others, I think I really just want approval from myself. Like, ok, you look nice. . .cute. . put together.
Here's my other thing. I've seen those girls who cannot let go of their early twenties and are too OLD to be wearing the things they wear. Or squeeze into some too tight clothing because they think it's attractive to men. Ladies--PLEASE stop putting your umm....assets out there all the time. Men will NOT want to seriously date you if you make it too easy for them to see said assets. Put the boobs and the butts up PLEASE. And get them off of your FB, MySpace, or Party ECU pages because 1. It makes you look immature to have party girl photos up from too many years ago, 2. It really gives the wrong impression, and 3. It makes you look like a dumb party girl. No man of substance wants one of those girls. TAKE THEM DOWN!
And for goodness sake, spandex will always remain a privilege and never a right.
I don't want to be one of those girls. Ever.
It's so hard sometimes being a stupid, selfish, and vain girl.