Salty Kids

 Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina in the morning. . . 

Papa John is so proud!

Sand is a tad uncomfortable.

Like walking on precious gems. 

Carolina in the Morning. Al Jolson, 1947

I'm NOT a Sell Out.

Sometimes when one leaves vocational ministry for a "secular" job they often say they feel like they are selling out.  Selling out the ministry, selling out their particular church or organization, selling out their congregation, or selling out the Lord Himself.

I even felt a little bit like a sell out when deciding to leave MACU.  Surely the Lord wants me to be wrapped up in a ministry situation rather than choosing to serve in the world--right?!?!  If I choose to leave, then I'm turning my back on this ministry and these people I was called to serve, I'm saying, "NO!" to Jesus, I'm not strong enough to stay in the ministry like other folks, etc.

Wrong.  So, so wrong.  

No, my ministry is happening today, right now, right here.  My ministry is my life and what I do with it.  When I'm talking to the lady at the store.  When I'm speaking with my neighbors about the apple and pear trees in my yard.  When I'm driving.  When I'm with my kids.  When I'm at the beach or the pool.

My life is my ministry--not my job, my title, nor my church membership.  What I do everyday will speak more volumes about my beliefs than where I choose to work or worship.  How I interact with the world, how I treat His people, how I make decisions will pronounce my intentions and my heart.

When I chose to attend a college, I chose the school that could best offer me the education and tools I needed for a life involving music.  I knew that it was one of the things that brought me joy and I wanted to do something with it.  I chose a secular college.  I also managed to keep my faith intact--I was heavily involved in a campus ministry and regularly attended church.  I volunteered at a church camp every summer, taught a children's Sunday School class, and had people in my life that would keep me accountable.  

I wasn't perfect, but I tried to be the best I could be.  

While working at that camp one summer, I met some people who attended a religious college.  Most of them were very nice, but when a few of them found out I attended ECU, they turned their nose on me because I didn't go to their school.  It seemed I wasn't as holy as they were because I didn't choose to follow Jesus to a Bible college.  It was almost like I was tainted because I had Secular Institution Cooties on me.

I remember getting offended, angry, and then doubting myself.  Why didn't I choose to go to that school or another religious institution?  Did I not love Jesus as much as they did?  I remember one of my friends (who was on the staff with me) talking about how much joy that institution had brought to his life, how deep his relationships were with the people he went to school with, and how he encouraged the campers to choose Bible college over a secular institution.

I felt like a Sneetch without a star on my belly.   

It's so funny that a few years later I would end up working at that college.  

I went in to work at MACU hoping not to meet more of those dreadful individuals.  I went in hoping to show them that even people from ECU can be Christians, too!  I went in hoping to show them there is a good life on the outside of the doors of the church or college.  I went in scared that I would be challenged to ensure that my beliefs and faith were good enough, that I knew enough musically, and that I could teach the future church leaders even though I didn't have a MDiv.  

I found there were very good and normal people on the inside of those walls.  There were people like me just trying to make the best of things.  I found the majority of them were wonderful people who are, or one day will be, great and inspiring leaders.  I also found that the professors all had specific skills that help mold and shape the students.  None of them had it all, but together we brought our tools and individual skills to work with the students.  My husband reminded me of 1 Cor. 3:6 when Paul says, "I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow."  We couldn't teach the students everything all by ourselves. We relied on God to fill in the gaps when our human shortcomings were evident.

Granted, lunch conversations were sometimes very different at a Bible college (Is The Message really a good tool? Or is it merely a watered down version of the Bible?) as compared to the conversations at the good ol' Croatan (So and So's having a party and it's BYOB).

But, when I was presented with a decision about going back to the public schools, I also found myself judging myself with the same eyes I felt judged by almost a decade ago at camp.  I felt the questions within me, the disappointment, the shaking of my head.  The fact that the biblical institution trains the future Christian leaders to be in the world--but sometimes they leave to take on the world before we think they are ready.  

But, let me be very, very clear.  

Just because you attend or work at a biblical college or institution (or a church or ministry) doesn't mean you've got The Special Jesus Sprinkles.  

Yes, if you're doing full time pulpit ministry, it's better to have some religious classes (and life experience) under your belt.  But, we all know people who lead small groups at our churches that never stepped foot in a Bible college and can teach circles around some of the trained individuals.  We all know volunteers at the community shelter who are more effective in their ministry.

You might work in the secular world for your entire career.  You might be placed at a ministry.  You might choose to leave. You might be asked to leave the ministry because of choices you made.

The bottom line is that you're in your vocation or institution for a reason.  Maybe you are within the walls of a church, maybe you aren't.  If you're a Christian, then it doesn't really matter.  We are all called to do different things (Ephesians 4:11-13), but our goal remains the same: we work for the building up of the church for the Lord's service.

And the church doesn't exist within the walls of a building.  

Ephesians 4:16 reminds us From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.  We all have been given specific tools and skills to serve.  If we were all Star-Bellied Sneetches, then we would only be effective in one place.  We have all been equipped differently so we can be more effective in more places and situations.  

So, instead of worrying about being a sell out or if you're skilled or good enough for ministry, recognize that you will live out your ministry in your everyday life. 

Wherever you are. 

In the Middle (of the Performance).

There was a girl in my elementary school who was deaf and had hearing aids.  She was a cute little girl with a deaf accent (or Deaf Speech--thanks Lynn!)* who won the local speech competition.  She told the story of being in a dance recital and how her hearing aids fell out of her ears during the performance.  She lost all sense of timing within the dance and when she looked at her teacher for help, her dance teacher (whom, for some reason, I remember it as if she didn't know what had happened, but that could have been my 5th grade brain making it all the more dramatic) just said/mouthed to her,

"Just keep dancing and smiling, sweetheart!"  

Of course this story made all of us cry.  And it seems like she went on to win the county competition as well.  It was a story of real life helplessness and we could all somehow relate to her vulnerability, even as little kids.

I sort of feel like the narrator from "The Wonder Years" as I'm writing this.  

Over the years, "Just keep dancing and smiling, sweetheart" has become sort of a motto for me.  When life got me way down, when I felt ultra-embarassed by the words or actions of someone, or even when I wanted to strangle someone, I would plaster this smile on my face (or at least put my head down) and plow ahead to get through whatever difficulty was coming at me.

My pride keeps me from wanting to expose my hurt feelings or disappointments.   

But sometimes I feel just like that little girl--dancing and dancing and enjoying life and them BAM! I'm in a sea of chaos and feeling completely out of place.  It can be very isolating and well-meaning people might say things like, "Just keep dancing and smiling."  But, in truth, they have no idea what it feels like.

It happens when someone hurts you deeply with their words or actions.  When someone you love is diagnosed with a thief of a disease.  When the world's injustice seems to prevail.  When you just don't know what to do in a situation.

I've recently been in a season of unknown.  I was praying for direction about my life, because in my heart I felt like God was telling me something about it--whispers, thoughts, feelings, that even perhaps I was going to make a change, but nothing was moving in a direction to indicate a change was coming.  Nothing.  I was at a complete loss for words, for direction, for anything.  I felt like God was saying, "Just keep dancing and smiling, sweetheart!" and I was tap dancing to a melody of muffled sounds and silence.

It was a very lonely and frustrating place to be.  But I kept dancing and smiling and still feeling exposed and out of time and off the right steps--and yet, He kept nodding encouragement at me.  And because He is my Teacher, I nodded and huffed and puffed my way through the routine.  I plowed ahead, even when I just wanted to stop and sit down and pout.

Why is this happening?

What are You trying to tell me?

Why can't this happen like I want it to?

My human understanding makes so much more sense--why don't You just listen to me?

But, even when I knew that He wasn't going to tell me, I still trusted Him to make it right.  I still knew, at the end of the day, that He works all things together for my good.  I put Psalm 138:8 on my kitchen window sill as a daily encouragement ("The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me.  Your love, O Lord, endures forever.")  I trusted that the Great Choreographer would make it work out in His time, even when I didn't understand.

And then, suddenly, about two weeks ago, an apparent change appeared.  The process was quick, it solved a lot of family concerns, and it was made clear (with the support of prayers from a handful of my most trusted friends and family) which path I needed to take.  

And here we are, two weeks later with a new situation on the horizon.  I don't know why it happened this way.  I don't know why my path to this point took me on a two-hour tour for the past two years.  I don't know why I'm back to square one.  But I do know that this is what His dance routine holds for me right now.

And my plan is to just keep dancing and smiling.   

       

    

  *I don't know how to describe it, and I promise I'm not trying to be offensive, I just don't know a better word for it.  If you are a deaf person or have a better word for it, please comment below and I'll be sure to update this entry for you!

Embrace Life. Love Deeply.

There will be an end to every human relationship you have.  That person will die, you will die, or the relationship will end for various reasons.

It's a very morbid thought for so early in the morning (my apologies).  

There are times I look back at my life and find myself curious about relationships I've had in the past--relationships with people, with work, with churches, with school.  Very few of these relationships have endured through my 32 years.  I can count on my hand the number of best friends I have, and can add another dose of not quite as close but trusted friends, and then a larger number of very good people that I love to speak to when I come into contact with them.  

I can think of hundreds of people that I knew for a season--some I still recognize their names and faces, some I only recognize by their name or face, and some I can't quite place but for some reason know that I knew them at one time.  These are the people we go to school with, or work with, or share superficial relationships with when we're in a microcosmic environment.  We know them for a brief period of time, sometimes creating momentary deeper friendships due to the nature of our environment (i.e. four years in a school of music can create very incestuous relationships when you eat, breathe, and survive theory and rehearsals together).  

And then, all too suddenly, the period is over.  You move away, you graduate, your paths take a different direction.  These people that you did life with, move on to do a shiny brand new life and sometimes it can hurt a little to let go.  Sometimes we aren't ready to say goodbye to those people who made us laugh so hard our sides hurt.  We aren't ready to let go of this particular period in our lives.  We aren't ready to say goodbye to the relationship that really wasn't healthy, but yet so very important in this season.  

It can hurt to say goodbye--and sometimes leaving the past behind is harder than leaving the actual location.  

Because of this, some people have a very hard time making friends or sustaining relationships.  They recognize that every relationship is going to eventually end in a loss and therefore, as a matter of protecting themselves, create a very tough wall to keep the hurt out.  They are the people that are very nice acquaintances, but are never going to let you past their exteriors.  Usually these individuals have been stung by a relationship that went sour or ended abruptly.  

But, if I could give you one piece of advice: embrace life and love deeply.  

Life is too short to only give people a small fraction of you. This doesn't mean to deeply love the supermarket lady and insist she become your very best friend while she's bagging your groceries.  This might get you arrested by the rent-a-cops or the shopping buggy police.  (Yeah, I'm from the South, sometimes we say 'buggy' instead of 'cart'--Get off my dialect!)

But, this means, when you approach a new environment, a new school, a new job, or a new church that you've been called to or arrive at for a season: embrace life and love deeply.  Put down some roots and get to know the people.  There will be some people that will respond immediately--these are the people lovers of the world.  There are others that you will have to be more persistent with--these are those who you will see semi-regularly.  Make a point to love on them, even if it's just through a conversation or a simple greeting.  And then, there will be some who will require a whole lot of love just to tolerate.  These are the most delicate individuals--but your life will be a happier place if you can live in peace with them.  

However, if there are some people that are just too difficult or too unwilling to be your friend--then by all means, stop wasting your time.  Be nice, be friendly, but for the love of all that's sane, stop trying to make it work.  If you and your like (because they ain't your lerve or a friend if you've got to cram that square peg into the round hole) are constantly in this pattern of break up make up break up make up, it's not worth it!  If you find people are bringing your self-esteem down because they think their poopoo doesn't stink--they aren't worth it.  It's better to let those people go on their merry ways and enjoy life more in their absence.  

And, in case you are someone on an ego trip:  don't hold your willingness to be friendly with people over their heads like a prize to be won.  Popularity contests ended (for everyone else) in high school.  Embrace the people you encounter--even if you know it's only for a season.  Your life will become so much fuller if you just aim to love people, rather than live at war with them.  Life is too short and too chaotic to add another level of stress to your world.  

I'd much rather laugh with you than feel uncomfortable around you.   

I made up my mind going into my last position that I was going to embrace the environment and love the people deeply.  Some were so easy to love right away--and they loved me in return.  Others were like porcupines initially, but soon became some of my favorite people to be around.  Others were content to hold me at arm's length, and I was content to stay there because it wasn't worth the hassle of forcing the relationship.  

But those relationships, and my decision to love freely and without reservation, is what makes me look back on the past two years and smile.  

Embrace life. 

Love deeply.  

Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. 

And the best of the three is love. 

1 Corinthians 13:13 (MSG)

In-side.

1.  Meet me at the school van.

2.  Holy Holly Hill.

3.  There's a herp for that.

4.  Face punches.

5.  I don't cry!

6.  Don't get it twisted!

7.  Happy New Year!

8.  Stabby stab stab!

9.  I just don't LIKE her!

10.  Dave's tattoo decipherment.

11.  Secular music discussions.

12.  Coffee in the library and fun conversations.

13.  Undeserved rolling stop tickets.

14.  Frozen loaf.

15.  Playdoh experiments

16.  Best. Class. Ever.

17.  Parking decks.

18.  Words one shouldn't say on The Hulk.

19.  Hair pieces.

20.  Dirty bras on clean guest towels.

21.  Are you wearing white socks???

22.  Don't be trashy.

23.  Hooker rain boots.

24.  Twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder what you

25.  Stomp stomp stomp!!!!

26.  Jolly Green Jesus

27.  Sound box conversations and punches.

28.  Jello.

29.  Inappropriate music videos.

30.  Today is not throwing chairs day.

31.  Russellville, SC

32.  The Queen and I.

33.  Red chicken.

34.  Dance rehearsals.

35.  My monitor's not working.

36.  "Yesss" (someone turn off his mic!)

37.  Ka-trina.

38.  We have to leave before Crowder.

39.  Baby Jesus

40.  Things to see and do on tour.

41.  Geno's vs. Pat's.

42.  It's currently a female but will soon become a male.

43.  Chaka Kahn.

44.  The Entertainer.

45.  Dave, I can't come to your wedding because my kid has lice.

46.  Dead baby animals.

47.  Your love. . . is extravagant.

48.  Hair Club

49.  I just wanna hug Buddy.  

50.  Placenta

In Photos.

It's not been an easy decision to leave MACU. 

Good thing I'm not a crier.   

Especially when I look through these:

(in no particular order)

Why do we sing? (I sing because I breathe.)

Yin and Yang. 

Landamonium.

McNizzle.  hahaha

Best.  Picture.  Ever. 

LaNuncha.  

Judsonian wasn't particularly happy this day.  

I love them. 

And her. 

SNL.  

I'll always hold your hand.  

Classic Roberto face. 

Philadelphia.

God. Iva.

Personalization by Dave. 

Postcards to Katie.

Someone in this photo runs over defenseless animals.  And doesn't slow down. 

I wish I had a picture of my face the next morning at breakfast when I laughed so hard I cried.  

Atiob.  

2010.  Photo taken by Kevin Tucker (before he was a student!) 

2011

Precious.

No harm meant by this photo. 

Holy things happened in this room.

I miss them. 

Precious, precious Chorale. 

I wish I had a thousand more.  

Thanks for the memories!