8.10.10: Sometimes I feel like I should quiet my life. Speak less, do less, stress less--content w/ day to day. Wonder if that could actually happen when I thrive on being all things to all people? I AM NOT THEIR JESUS. Oh pride.
8.11.10: Sometimes--ok, all the time--I wonder. Now what? Now where? Will we live here for X more years? Will we work at this job for X more years? Can I keep up at this pace for X more years? I hope so. I just want roots.
8.13.10: Lord, I don't want to be afraid to talk or sing.
8.29.10: When Jill dies, a part of me is going to die, too. God please let her go peacefully.
Received an email tonight from Megan regarding Jill. This sucks. However, I am choosing to be happy for Jill.
8.31.10: Today was the day I got to say goodbye to my friend, Jill. She looked at me. She held my hand. She knew I was there. I like to think that she waited for me.
Jill died around 7:45pm.
9.4.10: Funeral over. I survived. How does it continue? I don't know. I miss her. So much.
9.30.10: (on the plane to Waco, TX) I am so broken. I'm overwhelmed. Heartbroken. Ridiculously tired. I just want to be whole. More so. Safe travels.
10.2.10: (at conference) My life is chaotic. I just want to slow down.
Earthshattering, heartbreaking, uplifting, gut wrenching, beautiful tragic triumph.
I. Am. Forever. Changed.
My eyes won't stop leaking.
My heart aches for all the broken. We are all incredibly broken. What have we made this about? Some people think I'm dramatic, but when you drink the Water you cannot walk away unchanged.
10.4.10: (morning of MACU memorial chapel) The worst thing is to plan a worship service for a life cut short.
10.11.10: You have my attention. You have my heart completely. STILL I WILL PRAISE YOU.
10.12.10: Blessed are all who take refuge in Him. PS. 2:12
10.13.10: Like scales falling from my eyes. To see the hurt more deeply. Resonation of pain. Cuts so deep.
I love here. At this table. At this place. And You love me.
10.15.10: The thing I love most about morning devo is that the sun averts my gaze. Impossible to look up--results in study and reflection. Steam from the mug results in warmth, comfort.
I have wrestled with You until You crushed me in Your embrace.
10.21.10: Insignificantly significant.
10.25.10: "Faith does not grow in the house of certainty." The Shack
10.26.10: So this is the joy of anticipating spending time with You. . .
10.31.10: I miss Jill.
11.2.10: I love the warmth of this time of year. The love. The sweetness.
Avert your gaze for He is holy.
11.12.10: I don't understand Your ways but I trust You to protect us and that we will try to be in Your will.
11.16.10: I am so stressed. I can't think or sleep. I can't do it all by myself. (Open Bible to next reading):
Ps. 27: The LORD is my light and my salvation. Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?
Incredible timing. You are so good and present. Thank You so much for this promise.
vs. 13: I am still confident of this. I will see the goodness of the the LORD in the land of the living.
11.27.10: Lord I am Your servant. I want to make You proud. I want to make You proud. I want to make YOU proud.
11.30.10: I am so stressed. I feel like I am pressed on every side and it all has to do with pride. I feel so nervous and anxious. I want to be calm.
(Open Bible to next reading): Ps. 37: Do not fret.
Your timing is divine.
12.2.10: But for today (morning of Hospice memorial service), help me to find rest in You. Lord these is no way I can do this on my own.
12.10.10: You are so good. You knew what I needed to hear before I knew it. Thank you for the Collies and their ministry.
12.11.10: Lord, my mind is silent today. If I need words, please give them to me. Otherwise, I'm ok with being relatively silent.
12.18.10: Thank You for this blessed time of year. I am fully of joy.
12.19.10: Luke 1:38 I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as You have said. Thank You for the example of Mary. That we should all be willing to take good or scary news.
12.21.10: Why do I need a holiday to celebrate the joy of living? Is Christmas just an excuse to be nice?
12.23.10: My prayers are for those who hurt this holiday season. Love and peace to them.
12.26.10: The table. The snow. The time. The coffee. The candles. The relief. The Word. Merry Christmas Jesus.
12.27.10: There is a stirring. I must constantly remind myself that I am not here to please them, I am here to please the King.
1.4.11: But if this is not Your plan, please remove this from my heart. I struggle with contentment, please help me.
1.6.11: I worry, worry, worry. Lord, please cover me this morning.
I should not live up to their standards and I should not keep company with jealousy. I hate the way that feels. I want to celebrate love and not gobble it up selfishly.
1.8.11: 1 Peter 3:4 MSG Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in.
1.10.11: Guilt is a 4 letter word.
1.18.11: My husband was kind enough to bring me a blanket when I was cold. He is a good man.
1.29.11: The desires of my heart are to serve You. Find time to be with my family. Find time to be creative. Help me not to be selfish. Be thou my vision.
2.15.11: Today my heart has been particularly broken and tired. Where is the good, Lord? My soul longs and even faints for You.
2.17.11: Dig deeper and hope you don't isolate.
2.27.11: Lord I struggle with who I am and who You want me to be. I am a jumble of emotions. An absolute mess. I want to be a good servant. My heart is heavy, yet I don't have names for it all. I am tired of carrying burdens that don't belong to me. Help me to learn to set them down when I can instead of worrying over things that are out of my control.
What is this all about?
